


Code Red

by Xx_Little_Shit_xX



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Adoption, Amazingphil - Freeform, America, Anorexia, BoyxBoy, Dan Howell - Freeform, EchoIsWeird, England - Freeform, Family, Gay, Girl - Freeform, LGBT+, London, Love, Phil Lester - Freeform, Recovery, TATINOF, Teenager, Tour, YouTube, danisnotonfire - Freeform, selfharm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2018-10-23 11:37:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 40,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10718616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xx_Little_Shit_xX/pseuds/Xx_Little_Shit_xX
Summary: Teresa/thorn  is in an adoption system far away from her home country the USA. as far as she knows England is were people like tea and have really hot voices, when she is finally adopted by two youtubers, she is shown a whole new world. but will they help her over come her struggles with depression, cutting, anxiety, and anorexia? well..... you'll have to read an find out now wont you!!





	1. A Scare

**Author's Note:**

> quick a/n: hi! this is my first story here and I don't really have any idea what I'm doing! just thought I would get that out of the way.....
> 
> I would like to let y'all that this book may have some... ummm..... triggering ..... parts. and I'm sorry if you don't like them. any way, I'll stop gabbing and let you read now.

Teresa's POV

mom yelled for me from the kitchen, "Teresa darling!! please come help me with the cookies!" 

I loved her voice! smooth and melodious, like a singer. her voice reminded me of someone, but i couldn't remember who....

I rolled of the couch were I had been working on a new crafting project, I jumped off the floor and sprinted through the hall, around the corner, almost triped over our black cat, and halted right in the door of our kitchen. the walls were absolutely COVERED in pictures of everything you can imagine. Mom and I loved taking pictures, and painting, and doing any craft under the sun! 

today she had made sugar cookies and celery, I loved celery, I'm not even sure why, but I did. Mom held out a spatula, my "Welcome To The Black Parade" apron, and a pony tail holder.

I caught everything as she gently dropped them into my hands. I slipped into the apron and tied up my long, black, blue, and purple hair.

first we put the cookies into the oven, then we started on the frosting. as we did so we started to sing "In The End" by Black Veil Brides. after a few minutes the timer for the oven dinged and we took out the cookies, the smell of vanilla invading the whole kitchen.

as we started to frost them it began to rain, then thunder and lightning started tearing the sky apart. Mom looked a little concerned but brushed it off. we didn't live were there are a lot of bad storms, but this looked bad enough to me. soon the wind picked up and the windows shook. 

"Teresa, lets pull the table away from the window a little, just in case." 

she sounded more worried than she ever has before.

"Ok Mom, sure thing."

she and I each grabbed an edge and lifted it away from the rattling window. 

I herd a scream and turned to see our three cats and two dogs come barrelling through the hall and hide under the table, I lent down to make sure they are OK. when I looked up again, Mom was gone. I checked the living room but she wasn't there. I couldn't find her anywhere!

that's when I started to panic, she would never leave without telling me. I called her phone, only to hear it buzz on the coffee table next to the couch. suddenly I felt someone grab me from behind and cover my mouth. I bit down as hard as I could, just like I had seen the animals do when they were hunting. I heard a voice right next to my ear, and felt their body tensing in pain. I pulled my foot up behind me and kicked whoever it was in the groin. they let go and I ran.

I ran right out the door and as far as I could. I didn't hear anyone behind he, so I turned after I got to the corner and hid in the forest. I was the only one who knew about this place. I was drenched from head to toe in just a few seconds. 

All of a sudden I felt a sharp pain in my leg, side, and small of my back. I tried to run again but I couldn't. Instead I crumpled to the ground and curled up to try and protect myself.

"well, that wasn't what I expected to happen"

I heard voices above me.

"me neither, the way she fought in just a split second made me think she would be stronger"

"guess you can't judge a book by its cover, eh Roger?"

I was scooped up and thrown into the air, I kept going, up up up up, until I wasn't rising anymore, I was falling, and no one was there to catch me.


	2. An Early Morning Surprise

Teresa's POV

I sprang up from my bed, hearing the springs creak and moan in protest as I did. A dream, it was only another dream. Why did I keep having these stupid dreams all the time? Why didn't they just let me sleep?!?! I looked around, making sure I'm in the right place again.

Same painfully pink walls, same lumpy bunk beds, white dressers, floral mirrors, and same stupid white rug with make up boxes everywhere. Yup, I was back in hell.

Someone stirred near me, a girl about two beds down looked in my direction, she had a face mask on, just like all the girls here applied at night. Except me, I didn't like them, they make my face itch. She growled a me to shut up and go back to sleep. I looked up at the clock. 3:45 no use in going to sleep now, I would only dream again. Instead I decided to get dressed. I walked over to one of the dressers where we were supposed to keep the clothes we were given. I pushed aside the pink to uncover my stash of black and generally dark clothes.

I dug out a black long sleeve shirt with a zipper on each shoulder, plain black skinny jeans, a black belt with little, metal rimmed circles in it, a pair of converse, and a bag that had my tooth brush and stuff in it. I stuffed everything into the bag and snuck into the bathroom.

//trigger warning??//

I couldn't shower because it would wake everyone up, besides I had showered last night after the others had taken baths. Instead I washed my face and my arms. I stood there for a second just looking at my arms. Everyone else called them ugly. I don't. sure they weren't pretty, but they weren't ugly. Red marks traveled, horizontally, up my arms in two rows until the inside of my elbow. I sighed and pulled my shirt over my head. 

After I got dressed I rummaged around in my bag for my hairbrush. Eventually I found it, I could tell someone else had used it because it had blond hair in it. I cleaned it out and ran it through my hair for a while, trying to get all the knots out. soon I gave up, I would Finnish later. I quickly wove it into a braid that ended at my hips, each section a galaxy of colour.

I looked back into the mirror and stared in it for a second, picking out everything I didn't like about my reflection. My chubby cheeks, my large lower lip, my lines of acne around my nose, my native American eyes, the fat under my chin, just plain ugliness. the only thing I liked was my hair. It looked like Eugenia Cooney's, but longer and with three colours instead of just black. 

I grabbed my small makeup bag from inside the big bag. I didn't have the same makeup as the rest of the girls here did, so they always tried to steal it. I had the same things as I did when I was in America. I tried to fix my face while remembering how I got here. 

I had been in systems for as long as I can remember, each orphanage I was in was OK until I got to be about nine or ten. Then people started hating me. I was moved around the USA till I was twelve, when I was told I wasn't safe there anymore and had to move to England. no one ever told me why I wasn't safe in America. a few months ago I heard the head guy at the orphanage talking about how I wasn't going back home because it was too costly. If some one wanted me then I would go. Otherwise I was stuck here.

I pulled away from the mirror. I was never taught how to use makeup to look the way I liked, just how the preppy girls wanted to look, so I had to figure it out by myself. I wound up with black eyeliner all over, black eye shadow on the hollows of my cheeks, and basically looking like a mess. I washed it all of and put it away. maybe it would be easier when it was light. I brushed my teeth and tiptoed down the hall and back into the 15-18 year old girls bedroom. 

After I had stashed my bag back into the drawer I pulled out my favorite book, "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief" and my phone. After I had read a few chapters I pulled up an online study app on my phone. I was one on the only people in the orphanage who kept learning after I got here. one of my favorite things to do was hack peoples phones and change their passwords. 

after two hours of knowledge stuff, I played on some random apps until the sun came up and the others woke up. whenever some one passes by my bunk the would say good morning with the usual,

"Hey Faggot! Looks like the drugs didn't work!" "Ewwwww..... it didn't run away..." "hey bitch move!" "why are you still here?" 

ect. ect. ect. ect. ect. ect. ect. 

I hated them all.

after a few second Mr. Stiltskin, the head dude came in. after glaring at me for a second like I was a worm in his favorite pet and should be killed, he cleared his throat to make an announcement.

"Darlings!! I have a special surprise today for my little angels!!"


	3. The Army

Mr. S. struggled to get everyone's attention. he was really short, had short brown curly hair, and a scratchy voice that sounded like he was always sick, so he was easy to ignore. Once he had the spotlight he continued.

"Now Darlings! We have a young man coming in looking to adopt. I'm told he is somewhat of an internet sensation and I want you all to look your best! One of you might be chosen and I want you to represent us well!"

The others started buzzing. I groaned, I hated it when people came. Mr. S hushed them enough to ask when we would be ready. A girl stepped forward. Her name was Patricia, she was basically the unspoken leader of the 15-18 girls. She was a tall blond who always dressed in really fancy clothes with lots of sparkles, basically a walking talking barbie wearing a disco ball for clothes. she also died her hair a lot, her and the other girls loved having blond and red hair. Thus mine stood out like sore thumb.

"Well Mr. Stiltskin, we need, like, at lease two hours. Preferably three. That way we have time for hair and makeup. DUH!!"

Mr. S nodded and turned to leave, but then he turned back and looked at me.

"And Teresa, don't get in their way, stand in the back, and don't talk! Or you won't have any food for a week!"

He didn't have to take away my food. I was four days dry and still too fat.

"Yes sir Rumpelstiltskin."

He reached over and cuffed my ear.

"What did I tell you about sassing me!"

I looked up and grinned at him.

"What are you gonna do? Stomp a hole in the ground for me to sit in?"

The others gasped. Mr. S stormed away, and every pair of eyes turned towards me. I knew what was coming. It happened every time there was someone coming. Each girl pulled out a set if iron nuckels Mr. S gave them for, "protection". the only thing they really used them for was beating me. They surrounded me and began.

After about ten minutes they got bored. They grabbed their own bags and went to the bathrooms to get ready. I heard them kick out the younger girls out of the bathrooms (probably literally.) 

I grabbed my bag and threw in my hair stuff, bandages, black nail polish, my books, and my phone. I walked down the hall and snuck into the room that every other girl in the orphanage stayed in. Mr. S didn't even pretend not to have favorites, he only liked the older girls because he could enter them into pageants and win money off them.

As soon as I walked in the young girls all ran to me and tried to all hug me all at once. we ended of collapsing in a ball of giggling limbs. once we were all untangled I got out my stuff.

"Alright BVB ARMY, who is going to help me look like a presentable soldier?!"

They all yelled that they did. I smiled, I loved them all so much! I handed my hair brush to Elise, an eight year old. my make up to Nicole, a thirteen year old with real talent. and my nail polish to Anna. who was ten.

I pulled out the bandages. I had plasters, pain relieving ointments, and ice packs. the ones who got hurt while getting kicked out of the bathroom came over to get patched up. thankfully there were only a few this time, usually almost all of them need at lease an ice pack.

Elise started to brush my hair while Nicole started to look for whatever she wanted to smear on my face first. I handed someone my phone so they could play on it and put on music, for some reason, even they liked Black Veil Brides and stuff like that. last I brought out the books for the really shy girls who loved reading. we all started to do our own thing, Elise, and Anna working their magic, and Nicole giggling and telling me not to move so much while I was singing along. 

We were all having fun I wished that this could last for forever! after a few songs some one played, "Lost Boy" by Ruth B. the army looked at me expectantly.

"what? why are you all looking at me like that?"

one of the shy girls who I didn't even relies was looking piped up.

"We want you to sing!! you always sing this song when you aren't paying attention!"

I was surprised that they payed that much attention. I started singing, just for them. It was my favorite song and I loved singing it. They played it again so we could all sing it together. When it was over Nicole pulled out the mirror from my makeup bag. I took it and looked in it. she and Elise had make me look like the Princess of Warped Tour, I loved it! I gave them all a huge hug.

Everything was going so well, until Mr. S came up to see what was the cause for the happy noises he was hearing. He burst into the room and immediately started turning different shades of red.

In between huffs of anger he managed to rip up most of the books, break the army's toys, rip their clothes, and tried to start throwing punches at them. Before he could lay a single finger on them I jumped in the way, earning my a shot to the face, I wanted to crumple to the floor and cry, but I knew if i did he would hurt them, so I stayed standing.

"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BEING IN HERE!?!?"

He thundered as well as he could in my face, he grabbed my collar that one of the shy girls had put on me, and pulled me down to look in his face.

"I told you never to be in here, especially if it would cause a disturbance!"

He hissed spitting in my face, he tried to pull down on the collar to bring me lower but it broke instead. He stormed out of the room after dispensing a kick to my groin.

I crumpled after he had left and cried. The girls came from the corner where they were hiding. they all tried to comfort me.


	4. Mr. Lester

Some one helped me up and got me to the bathroom. I heard the barbie girls snickering and jeering at me, but I hurt too much to care. I was lead to the back of the room and felt an ice pack being held to my face. I looked up and saw the shy girl who got me to sing. 

"What's-"

"Ssshhh.... don't try to talk, you'll hurt your throat. He did something funny to your neck when he pulled off your collar. My name Maria, my friends all call me Fraulein Maria, like from the Sound of Music."

I followed her instructions and didn't reply. I tried to nod my head but it hurt too much. Maria got another ice pack an put it on my neck, that made it felt a little better. She kept saying nice, soothing things to me while she fixed me up. She got up and told me she would be right back and not to move. She shuffled behind the barbies and out the door. I heard some one talking to me again, this time I couldn't shut them out.

"Hey look! its the fat fag! What's wrong? Did you get thrown in the hole you dug for your fat ass. I bet that little brat only helped you because she felt bad cause your soooooo ugly!" 

Some one else chimed in.

"Why are you still here? You're too fat to be in any pageants. I don't see why Mr. S doesn't throw you out on the curb, you don't belong here!"

Some one yelled, "You should just go kill yourself fag!!"

Soon they were all chanting, "Kill the fag!! Kill the fag!!"

I couldn't take it. I got up and stumbled out the door, and ran into the older girl room. 

//TRIGGER WARNING//

 

I ran over to the place I hid my things and got out my little box of blades. I grabbed one and sunk it into my arm, I pulled and felt the skin tear. I didn't mean to do it, but soon my arm had several harsh lines that had joined the others. I pulled out gauze and wrapped my arm. I pulled own my sleeve and pushed my things back away. I pulled my arm to my chest and cried. 

 

//END TRIGGER WARNING//

I heard some one open the door, I pulled my knees to my chest to try to protects myself. A sweet voice intercepted my sobs.

"There there, look up, it'll be ok. I won't let them hurt you. It's over now. look, I fixed this for you."

I looked up and through my tears I saw Maria's beautiful chocolate coloured skin. She was holding my collar. she had fixed it for me.

"Thank you" I choked out.

She pulled me up and wiped away my tears. She reached around and fastened the collar around my neck, looser than it was before so it wouldn't hurt. She also pulled out a tissue box and wiped the smudged makeup off, the rest of the tissues she handed to me to use. 

All of a sudden she had wrapped her arms around me as I was being pulled away.

"Get off you pesky brat!"

Mr.S's voice penetrated my ears like a needle. I was pulled away from Maria, out the door and down the stairs.

"Now remember what I said. stand in the back, don't talk, don't move, and don't draw any attention from the girls. If I catch you doing anything, I'll make you miserable!"

The others were already standing in a perfect line waiting to be put on display, like a dog show. I hid behind the tallest girl and tried to breath as lightly as I could and keep from crying. The door opened and a beaming Mr.S walked in with a young man by his side. The guy looked familiar, but I haven't seen anyone outside the orphanage, so it was probably just my imagination. He had a small, black fringe, a shirt with a dinosaur on it, skinny jeans and converse. He was amazingly tall, but everyone here is, except Mr.S.

"Ladies! please say hello to Mr. Lestman! he is looking to adopt a ravishing young lady today and would like to meet you all!"

"Actually, Mr. Stiltskin, my name is Mr. Lester, and it doesn't matter what any one looks like, its what THEY are like."

Mr. S smiled and nodded.

"yes yes yes, now here we are. These are the ladyships, you may speak to them if you like."

Mr. Lester went down the line and talked to each one. I didn't really pay attention, his name was familiar too, but where had I heard it? Was it one of my classes? before I knew what was happening he was talking to the girl in front of me, but he stopped short when he saw me, he looked at me funny for a second them started to laugh.

"Now why are you making that face? Common, let me see a smile! I'm sure your smile is 'ravishing!'"

He make me start to giggle. His impersonation of Mr.S was hilarious! I heard a throat clearing and flinched back. Mr.S stepped forward.

"I'm sorry Mr. Lestman. she wasn't in place to interrupt, I'll take her back and reprimand her now."

Mr. S started to reach for me, I tried to pull away but his hand grabbed my arm. I winced and accidentally let out a hiss of pain. Hopefully Mr. Lester didn't notice.

"No no. No need to do that," He lay a hand on Mr. S's arm and pulled him away from me.

"I addressed her first, she really does have a beautiful smile, doesn't she?"

"I wouldn't know sir, she locks herself away from almost everyone. A bad egg she is."

"Now I don't believe that for one moment." He turned to me.

"You like bands? I can see you like some, your bracelets are really cool."

I looked down and realized I was wearing almost all of my band bracelets. 

"Yes, the world is better with music." I had to force out the words, I was starting to panic about what Mr.S would do to me after this much attention was taken from his models. Plus my throat still really hurt.

Mr. Lester spoke again. "I agree. I also love watching YouTube videos-"

He stopped short again, I must have startled him when I looked up all exited.

"Well then, I guess you do also!"

I nodded my head.

"I think you seem like a very nice girl, would you mind if you came to live with me and my flat mate? I think he would love to meet you. His name is Dan."

I couldn't believe it! he asked for me! but my happiness was short lived. Mr.S grabbed my arm and pulled me away, slapping me when I yelped in pain.

"Actually, I don't believe she is available. I'm sorry."

He shoved me up the stairs and closed the door after dispensing me with a sharp kick. I ran up the stairs in tears. Why couldn't he let me go! Why couldn't he just let me try? I started to get light headed, I guess running up the stairs so fast with all the extra fat on my body wasn't helping. Once I got to the top and collapsed in the hallway, things were going fuzzy, I grasped for anything to help me up, but I blacked out before I could find anything.


	5. A New Home

I woke up to a worried looking Mr. Lester. right behind him was a irritated Mr. S. 

"Are you ok? do you need help?" Mr. Lester was so nice! 

Before I could even try to get up Mr.S was in my face and trying to grab me. I Flinched back and tried to crawl away.he grabbed my arm. tight. I tried to hold it in but I couldn't anymore, I screamed in pain. His grip only tightened and I saw red trickle down my hand and drip onto the floor.

"STOP IT!!" 

Mr. Lester pulled him off me and shoved him down. he turned to me with worry and sadness in his eyes.

"here, let me help you." he reached out to pick me up. I instinctively flinched and started to back away. he looked a little hurt. 

"its OK. I promise I wont hurt you, ever! Please let me help you."

something made me want to trust him, so I let him lift me up. as he did so I felt bad, I weighed so much it must have been torture trying to lift me! He walked over to a chest that sat in the hallway and gently put me on it. he reached for my hand, i pulled it back before he could touch me.

"no." My arms were off limits.

"ok. at least let me try to help."

something shuffled behind him. Mr S. had gotten up and started walking towards us. before he could get any closer Mr. Lester turned around sheltering me with his own body.

"You cant hurt her anymore. I'm taking her with me weather you like it or not, and you cant stop me."

Mr S. was taken aback, no one ever told him what to do. He just stood there, dumbfounded. Mr. Lester turned back to me and knelt down so he was on eye level. he spoke as he reached for my hand and gently helped me stand up on my weak legs.

"Can you stand by yourself? Do you want to go get your things? Should I come with you?"

"I think I can stand. I can go get them."

I started to walk and almost fell again, I would have fallen to if Mr. Lester hadn't caught me. I stood up again, this time using his hand for balance. After a few steps I was steady enough that he let me go. I walked over the the girls room door, panting slightly, but not wanting him to see. I grabbed the handle for support and walked in. I wanted to crawl over to my stuff, but I didn't think I would be able to get up again if I got down.

I scooped my stuff up from the floor, then proceed to the drawers. I looked in and all my things were gone! I didn't know where they were! then I remembered they were in the other room. I didn't want Mr. Lester to think I was so messy and rude that I left my things all over! I didn't know what to do.

I hear the door slide open.

"why are you shaking? are you ok?"

I didn't even realize I was shaking so hard from panicking. I tried to stop but couldn't, which only made me panic even more. I felt arms wrap around me. I reacted by trying to pull away, but they held tight. I felt myself being turned and hugged. I hadn't felt a hug from anyone except the little girls before. It felt so nice that I could have melted right there. I started to cry a little. Mr. Lester started rocking us back and forth, cooing all the wile till I had calmed down. I sat up and recollected my things that were here.

"Is that all you have? Surely you have more than that?"

"I have some in another room, that's where I was when he pulled me downstairs."

He nodded and opened the door for me. I walked over and collected my stuff, at least the things that were still intact. I said a tearful goodbye to girls, I also let them keep all the books, except The Lightning Thief. I walked out with everything in the bag slung on my shoulder. 

"Are those your friends?"

"As close as I have to friends, yes. We call ourselves The Army. We are each soldiers"

As we walked out the front doors I looked back and waved, little hands poked out the windows, waving back at me.

As we walked down the street I watched all the people, and cars hurrying to and fro. They all seemed so busy and didn't care about all the things they where going past! I soaked in every detail around me, then blue-grey sky, the heavy clouds, beautiful buildings, tall cross-walk signs, and the interesting shops. shops, shops mean money, i was going to cost Mr. Lester a lot of money wasn't I? My thoughts were interrupted by Mr.Lester's voice.

"I don't have a car, so we will have to take the underground, and possibly a bus or two or a cab. Do you want to stop for lunch in between rides?"

Oh no. Not that! anything but that! No food.

"No thank you, I already ate."

"Ok, we'll just go straight home then, do you want me to carry anything?"

I only had two bags, one with my book, hair stuff, makeup, and things like that that I could carry over my shoulder. Then a small duffel bag with my clothes. I let him carry the black duffel, and i continued with the shoulder bag, feeling bad that i was making him carry my things. I was already being a pest.

"So, how far is the house?"

"Not extremely, about twenty minutes by car, should only take about half and hour or so if we find quick transport."

That's not so bad, I could make it that far.

__________________________________________________________

After taking the underground and a cab (which was terrifying) we arrived at Mr. Lester's apartment. As we entered were looking at flights of stairs, I hoped his flat wasn't too far up. He started to climb up and I followed, we managed to climb up a few before i had to stop to breath and regain my balance. 

"Are you ok? Am I going too fast?"

I shook my head no. I got back up and held the wall for balance, this time he had me go in front of himself.

"Its only proper to have the lady go first you know."

I knew he was trying to hide his concern, I could feel him following very close behind me in case I fell again.

eventually we made it to his floor, he pulled out a key and opened the door.

"I hope you don't mind, it's a bit small and my flat mate and I aren't really that good at keeping it clean. I'm also extremely sorry, but your room isn't quite ready, so you might have to sleep on couch for a night or two."

As I walked through the door I was greeted by an shockingly familiar sight.

"You're AMAZINGPHIL!!!!! That's why your name sounded familiar! You live with Danisnotonfire!! He is your flatmate!!"

He burst out laughing. 

"Why yes, yes I am! I take it you've seen some of my videos then, and Dan's too."

"Yes I have! I really like the ones where you two answer questions together and draw on whiskers."

I was smiling uncontrollably now, I was going to live with Amazingphill and Danisnotonfire! sudenly i heard a voice from up the apartment stairs.

"OW! WHY YOU FUCKING GLASS!?!?!??!?!"

Phill smiled again, then put on a fake-annoyed expression.

"Dan! Did you run into the kitchen door again? I told you it hurts its feelings!"

"IT'S FEELINGS?!?!?!?! what about me?! I'm the one it hurts!"

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Is that the new kid I hear laughing at my torture?"

Phill rolled his eyes. "No.... I decided to get a hyena instead, of course it is!"

I could hear steps coming down the stairs, Dan appeared wearing the same shirt that I was, except his sleeves where scrunched up to his elbows, he had really messy hair, as if he had just woken up.

"Dan, did you just get up?"

"Of course not! why would you think that?"

Phill gave made an exasperated face.

"Don't make me go see if your crease if still warm."

"Fine, maybe I did just get up, but in my defense I found a butterfly-rainbow-unicorn-kitten hashtag and it was too cute to NOT look at! then I got sucked into the oblivion of tumblr! surely you understand!"

By this time he was standing with us by the door, he turned to me and looked me up and down.

"Well, we have the same clothing style for the most part. do you know about existential criss'?"

"DAN!! Is that really how you are going to welcome her to her new home?! what about a 'Hello, what's your name? Mine is Dan, do you like video games?'"

I was laughing so hard by now I couldn't care less about how Dan said hello.

"Oh look what you've done now Phill, you've given her a stroke!"

"Wasn't MY fault! I'm not the one who ran into a door!"

Dan knelt down and pulled me up by my hands.

"there you go, how about we go upstairs and get you settled in then?"

I nodded and flowed him into a living room.

"this is where you'll sleep tonight, your room should be done tomorrow, this is the creases where I sit on the internet for hours." he gestures to the fold in the couch I've seen in clips of his videos.

after the two guys had shown me around they helped me settle into the living room, we all sat on the couch, me in between the two, with Dan in the crease. 

"Now I know you might not want to talk about what happened earlier today, but Dan should know, and we want to help if you have anything going on that you need help with."

I nodded, he was right, I didn't want to talk about it, but again I felt like I could trust him, and Dan too. So I explained to Dan and Phill about what had happened to day, starting from when i got up to when we go to the apartment, leaving out the parts about me cutting. Dan looked shocked and disturbed, phill just looked really sad.

Dan didn't say anything,, he just wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight. then Phill joined us.

"I am so sorry Teresa. No one should have to go through that. You are safe now, we'll take care of you now."

I started to cry, I felt like for once some one really cared. two some ones.


	6. A Midnight Snack and Support Group

I woke up in a cold sweat. it was still dark out, but I could hear some one in the kitchen. I slid out from under my blanket and gently trod into the kitchen. There I found Dan making some food, before I could go back to bed Dan saw me and gesture for me to come in. 

"Are you hungry? I don't want to eat all by myself."

I nodded, I was starving and couldn't stand it any longer. He scooped me up and gently set me on the counter, just as if I was a little child again. He turned and grabbed a English muffin, or as everyone here would call it, a biscuit. 

After popping our food into a toaster he reached over my head and got down two mugs, each with a design of him and Phil on them.

"Would you like tea?" He asked.

"Yes please." I replied.

Dan filled both cups and placed them in the microwave.

"So, 'Teresa', do you have a nickname?"

"Sort of. I always called myself Thorn back home in America. There was a boy in one of the orphanages who didn't hear well, he thought I said my name was, 'Trellis' so everyone called me thorn, because roses where the only thing we knew of at that age that grew on a trellis. But ever since I came here I just used Teresa, even though I hate it."

"Well Phil and I will call you Thorn if you want, or you can have another nickname if you want."

"Thank you, I'd love that!"

The microwave and toaster both went of at the same time and Dan and I jumped. Dan reached over me again and got two plates, and put the biscuits on them. Each time he reached over me I was washed over in a the nicest smell I could imagine! He placed one plate by me and the other on the opposite side of the microwave, then he got out the tea and put tea bags in them. He settled himself next to me on the counter, I couldn't believe how tall he was!

"So why did you come to England? You said that you where in America before. Why did you move?"

"I don't know. All I was ever told was that it wasn't safe there anymore, so I was sent here. I haven't been back since."

"Oh, I'm sorry. How old are you?"

"I'm 14, turning 15 in a few weeks. I was put in the older group at the orphanage here because Mr. S didn't care enough to actually look at my papers, he just assumed I was the right age."

As we where talking I didn't notice that my sleeve had rolled up a little, I realized when Dan looked down and reached for my wrist. Before he could grab me I pulled back and yanked down my sleeve. He just looked at me and went on talking. 

Before I knew it I had eaten the whole biscuit and drank the whole cup of tea, and for once I didn't feel disgusted in myself. Dan hopped down and refilled our cups, then we relocated to the living room, where I pulled up my legs to make room for Dan on the couch. He sat our cups on the coffee table and pulled me to his side and held me as we talked. We mostly talked about videos, I learned that the ones with the cat whiskers where called Phillisnotonfire, since I hadn't seen many of the videos that they had made Dan told me about his favorites and the fun they had making them, it sounded like he and Phill where so close and it was wonderful! eventually I fell asleep curled up next to him.

 

Dan's POV (I know! finally!)

I was making a snack for myself when I heard soft footsteps behind me, I turned to find Teresa. god she was so skinny, and sweating too. She must have been having a nightmare. 

"Are you hungry? I don't want to eat all by myself."

"Yes please."

she was so timmid. It broke my heart hearing how she was treated at that orphanage place. 

I lifted her up on the counter and made some food, and we talked while we ate. As we talked she used her hands to express her words which I found adorable! However as she did her sleeve rolled up a little bit and little red lines started to sneak out, I reached for her arm and she pulled back rather harshly. I knew what those lines where, I pushed it back enough to carry on the conversation without it looking like it had effected me.

After we had eaten we moved out into the living room, when Thorn sat down she curled into a tinny ball to make room for me on the couch. After I sat down I pulled her up to my side and stroked her hair and we kept talking. Before I knew it she had fallen asleep curled up in my arm. I smiled down at her, she was so beautiful, but you could tell she was sad. 

//POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING//

I gently reached down and slowly rolled up her sleeves. At first there where only small, scratch-like, spots, but as I went there where more and more. They got deeper and more concentrated. I could feel tears start filling my eyes. I rolled up her other sleeve and was greeted with the same thing. I could feel tears rolling down my face. I pulled her up into a hug, and cradled her against my chest. I couldn't believe how light she was. 

I heard Phill's foot steps coming towards us. I tried to wipe away my tears but couldn't get them all before he came in.

"Dan, whats wrong!? Are you ok?" He asked in a shocked whisper. 

I shook my head because I didn't trust myself to talk without sobbing. I shifted my arms so he could see Thorn's arms. His face took on a shocked look, and I could see tears start to well up in his eyes also. He came and sat next to me and let me lean my head on his shoulder, I let myself cry into his chest. 

"W-what are w-we goin-ing to do?"

"I don't know right now Dan, but we need to help her. We need to show we care, she hasn't been shown love by anyone."

Phill reached over and pulled down Thorn's sleeves. Then he warped his arm around both of us and we all fell asleep.


	7. A Day On The Town

I could feel the light of day against my eyelids, I groaned as I squinted and looked around. Where was I? Why was I sleeping on a couch with two guys next to me? Then everything came back to me. I looked back over to Dan and Phil, they where leaning against each other and Dan's arms where sprawled out like he had been holding me earlier.

As I sat up the guys both stirred and flinched back from the light coming from the window. 

"ggaaaaahhh.......What time is it?" Dan mumbled from behind Phil in his morning voice.

I glanced at the clock in on the mantle. It read 12:27.

"It's almost twelve thirty." 

"oh nononononon...... its WAY to early, I'm going back to sleep! Phil, your the adult here, go do whatever adults do with their kids in the morning! You're in my spot!"

I giggled as Dan pushed Phil off the couch and deliberately took up as much room as he could.

"Ok, lets go make breakfast! Do you want waffles?" Phil drowsily chimed.

"YEFF" Dan said through the couch cushions.

"I wasn't talking to you, if you want food you have to get up. Come on Thorn, lets go."

After linking our arms together Phil blew a raspberry at Dan, who was too busy impersonating a log to notice. We walked into the kitchen where the plates from last night where still out, Phil moved them and started looking for the waffle mix. 

"Can I help?" I asked.

"umm.. I guess so, the plates are up in there, and the syrup is in the fridge."

I looked up at the self and realized how far up it was, how was I gonna reach up there? Then I got an idea. I grabbed the edge of the counter and hoisted myself up, then I knelt on the counter top and stretched out as far as I could and got down three plates and some cups. I hopped down and fetched the syrup, and by this time Phil was about to pour the pour the batter into the waffle iron, but stopped short. He looked into the living room to see if Dan was paying attention. He wasn't and Phil stooped down started whispering in my ear.

"Dan doesn't know what my secret ingredient is, but you are my child, so I guess you can know. I like to take a little bit of Dan's cereal and grind it up into a powder and mix it into the batter, don't tell him, it drives him crazy!"

"I won't , I think it's genius!"

Phil smiled and finished making the waffles while I made some tea. After we had finished prepping the food we relocated to the living room and left Dan's plate in the kitchen so he would have to go get it.

"Oh hey guys! you took long enough, I'm starving!"

"Dan! I told you you would have to go get your own food, go ahead and get started so we can eat and do stuff with our day."

"What do you mean 'do stuff with our day'? I had plans was to go surfing!"

"Surfing the web doesn't count, and we are going to go to the shops so Thorn can pick out some things for herself to have in her new room."

"Oh fine! but I want my spot back when I get back!"

he got up and walked to the kitchen, Phil and I looked at each other and both moved to the couch taking up as much space as possible. While suppressing laughter we heard Dan's voice from the kitchen,

"Ok guys, thanks for making me food, you are the best!" 

As he walked in we burst out in laughter at the face he made seeing us on the couch.

"Very funny, move over."

We obliged, and Dan and Phil scoffed up their food while I nibbled at mine, I would have to make up for last nights splurge. Phil seemed to notice I wasn't eating much, he rested his hand on mine,

"Just try your best to eat, I know its hard, but you can do it."

I smiled and wound up eating a few bites before handing the rest to Dan. After he had finished we bundled up and went out to look for a set of sheets for my bed and a small shelf for my things. After we had acquired these Dan sent Phil to Starbucks and promised to watch me. It took a little convincing but Phil finally agreed. Dan started leading me somewhere when I started feeling nervous, I wasn't used to going out and about, and before Phil had been there if I was scared, I tried to tell myself that Dan was here and everything was going to be ok, but I couldn't calm down. I started to slow down. Dan looked and noticed that I was shaking. He wrapped me in his arms and held he close while mumbling instructions in my ear.

"Thorn, breath, listen to me, I know you are scared, but I can help. I want you to find five stationary things you can see, go ahead."

I tilted my head and looked around us while still clutching to Dan, I looked and saw the building next to us, a tree planted in a planter on the pavement, a traffic signal, an advertisement, and a radio antenna. I nodded into Dan's coat and he continued.

"Ok, now I want you to find four things you can hear."

I listened and heard the underground through the vent by the tree, the cars on the road, a bell from a charity post, and Dan's breathing. I nodded again, my arms slightly relaxing.

"Ok, now something you can taste."

I saw a pastry shop window with cakes in it. 

"Now something you can smell"

The Starbucks around the corner.

"And lastly four things you can feel."

I rubbed the fabric of Dan's jacket between my fingers, I reached out and stroked the tree trunk, the sequins on the cuff of my coat, and lastly Dan's most textured bracelet.

"there, do you feel better now?"

"Yes, thank you Dan. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here."

I gave him another hug before we continued to wherever he was taking me. 

After a few minutes of walking we arrived at a gaming store, there was a whole bunch of figurines and board games in the window. Dan lead me in and showed me around.

"You can pick out a game if you want, along with a figurine and a book."

I looked up at him and he nodded, so I looked at the board games and chose an expansion pack for Phil's settlers of Catan, I found a Book I loved when I was little, called "Ella Enchanted" and a little pikachu figurine, after we had left we walked back to Starbucks to meet up with Phil again. then we went back to the flat, put away the things and rested, Phil playing on the Xbox, Dan and I looking at tumblr. Soon I was almost asleep, before I was completely engulfed in sleep I felt Dan slip his bracelet on my arm.

"Sleep well Thorn."


	8. Snowball Fights and Secret Identities

Thorn's POV (still)

I was rudely awakened to Phil jumping up an down like a little kid and trying to drag Dan an me off the couch while pointing at the window.

"HEY GUYS LOOK!!!!! IT'S SNOWING!!!! Let's go play outside! Thorn should get to experience the joys of a snow ball fight!"

Dan replied with exactly how I felt. "Nnooooooo.... I don't wanna moooovee!!!!"

"Oh come on you lazy llama! Let's go!"

"Oh fine. If it'll make you happy and you promise to shut the fuck up!"

"DAN!!!! No swearing in front of thorn!!"

Dan rolled off the couch in reply.   
>•< >•< >•< >•< >•< >•< >•< >•< >•<

Once we had all gotten on our coats, and gloves. And scarves. AND warm shoes. Phil finally thought we would be warm enough. He could really be quite the fussy mum sometimes. We climbed down Mount Everest and went outside and looked for an appropriate place for a snowball fight. Eventually dan and phil agreed on a nice square where some kids where sitting on a dried up fountain ledge playing a frozen game on I pads.

Phil cleared his throat   
"Now for the sacred 'before-snowballing-each-other-senselessness' ritual. and since this is thorns first snowball fight we will also go over the rules."

"Whoa whoa whoa!!!!" Dan interrupted, "Since when are There are RULES to having a snow ball fight?! WE didn't have rules when we where kids!"

"I did. Any way! Here they are. Rule one: no throwing ice clumps, they hurt and can hurt people."

Dan made a face. "But that takes some of the fun out of it!"

Phil rolled his eyes, "You'll live. Are you with me so far thorn?"

"Yup. No ice clumps, and don't listen to dan. Got it!"

Phil smiled, "good. Rule two, don't throw too hard at heads."

"No violent head shots. Got it."

"And rule three. HAVE FUN!! Now for teams-"

Dan interrupted again here. "Hey! That's not fair! There are only three of us! We should have a free for all!"

"I'm good with that. That way we can join forces whith whomever!" I exclaimed.

"Thorn, you really are a little master mind." Phil said. "Ok. Let's shake hands and begin! Three. Two. One. Go!!"

I ran and hid behind a evergreen tree and began building snow balls and crawling under the low branches to hide. I could see dan and phil pelting each other just a few feet away. I threw a snow ball at phil when his back was turned away from Dan. When he turned around and pulled Dan to the ground I threw one and him again, then dan. They stood up confused. I did it again, this time right at their faces. They where so startled that I couldn't help myself anymore and burst out laughing. They saw me and laughed too. Then they started towards me with their own snow balls. I crawled out from under me tree and came back around to pelt them again, but when I got back to where they where just standing they where gone. I looked around and suddenly I was grabbed. I would have fought back but dan stuffed snow down my coat while phil held me I the air. Turned out I didn't have to fight to get down. I was flailing so hard from trying to get the snow out of my coat that phil had to put me down.

At this point we had gotten the attention of lots of the kids sitting around. They all gave their tablets and phones to their parents when they saw how much fun we where having and joined in! Some of their parents even joined their kids. Very soon we had the whole square involved in a full scale snow ball fight. People had made forts, and some that where passing and joined had sleds and used them as shields. This when on for about an hour until the others had to go home. As it was clearing out a group of girls recognized dan and phil. They came over and gave the guys Huggs and asked for pictures and autographs and inquired as to how they where and that kinda stuff. I walked over and tried my best to hide behind Dan and Phil. However due to the fact that I didn't exactly blend into the snow a few of them noticed me.

"Who is she?" One of them asked, she looked kinda disgusted at me. Probably because she looked like a Barbie with a co-horde of barbies. Phil started to try and stumble out an explanation, but Dan interrupted him.

"She is a relative of Phil's who is here on holiday from America."

"Oh." she said. They then went on with their conversation. When they had gone away phil turned to me and explained.

"We don't want people to know that you are my daughter. People can be really mean and we want you to be safe from them. A long while ago Dan's brother was harassed so much online that he had to delete all his social media. We don't want anything like that to happen to you."

"Yah" Dan joined the conversation after kicking some snow. "That really sucked and we defiantly don't want you to get hurt."

That made some sense. Not why people would do that to people online, but why dan and phil wanted to keep me a secret.

"Ok. As long as I don't turn into rupunzle, locked up in the flat without access to the outside world, or anything like that."

"Oh of courses not." Phil replied.   
"Hey! Let's make some snow angles before we go home!"

That sounded like fun! "Ok! Let's do it!"

>•< >•< >•< >•< >•< >•< >•< >•< >•<

After we got back to the flat and hiked up the stairs, this time without me falling down. We all changed out of our cold, wet clothes and into nice warm, dry ones. Then we settled into the lounge and had some of Phil's perfectly made hot chocolate. While we drank our coco we talked more about the whole "I'm a huge secret" thing.

"So, thorn." Began Phil. "As you already know, dan and I make videos for a living, We also have a radio show on Sundays, so we want to keep you safe from people online and people we meet out and about. In order to do this we need to work out a few things.

"Yes" Dan added, " people can be really bit- oh sorry. Jerks, to put it without swearing. So. How do we put this without it sounding meen?"

"I know what you are trying to say." I pipped up. "I need to stay a secret, it would be for the best if I stayed out of videos and if people ask who I am we make an excuse. I quite like the 'I am visiting from America!' One."

*phew* phil and dan both let our sighs of relief.

"We where worried about you getting upset" phil said.

"Yah. People always want to be a part of our videos or something."

"Naw. I'd probably do something clutzy or stupid anyway. Plus I don't really like being on camera anyway. I'd much rather watch videos and maybe help make them instead of being in them!"

"Ok. That's good. I'm glad that's all cleared up now. Why time is it? Oh it's already 8:30. If we are gonna order pizza we should do it now before they close. Hey phil! Can we order pizza?"

"Sure Dan."

Phil made such a cute smile when Dan asked instead of just assuming it. They are so cute! I'm glad I can be part of this weird family!! Even if I have to sleep on the couch for the first few days.


	9. Meeting Gran

It's been a few weeks since our snow ball fight and pizza day, well, I can't really say that, we had a lot of pizza days. But anyway, that isn't the point. Since then dan and phil have started packing for going on vacations. Phil and I were go to his families house in the north, dan to his family's home. I hadn't really started yet because, well, I didn't really have much to pack.

It had been forever since I had died my hair, and the natural brown that my hair was was starting to become more and more noticeable, and the colour was almost gone, leaving ugly streaks and bleach blond patches. So I grabbed my hair dying t-shirt, and some hair dye. After a few eons I reamerged from our bathroom with a naturalish, red colour, and went to pack away my things.

After I was done I went out to the kitchen to grab some water, I heard foot steps and a gasp.

"Oh! Oh, you dyed your hair again, it looks nice."

I turned around and saw phil holding a duffel bag over his shoulder. He plopped it on the ground and came over and looked at my hair.

"You know, I've never seen anyone with hair that was naturally this long. I think it's really nice."

I blushed a little.

"Oh. Thanks."

"Well Dan and I are almost done packing, then we can do something fun. Ok?"

I nodded, "ok."

He went back to finish packing after giving me a hug. I finished my water and decided to go pack.

Since I had come here I felt so much better about me, life, everything. I still wasn't all better, not by a long shot, but it was a small step. I pulled out my back pack from under my bed along with a suitcase. Phil decided that I needed a suitcase set. Thankfully he had good taste and got a black set. I started grabbing stuff from around my room. It had taken a while, but I had finally moved into my own room. It was actually Dan's old room, but I liked it.

Jeans, check. Hats, check. T's, check. Shoes, check. Book, check.

I grabbed my phone, charger and charging brick.

"Oh silly me. I almost forgot my head phones."

I went over to my night stand and opened the drawer. Inside I kept my headphones, odds and ends, and a few other things. I rummaged a bit before finding what I wanted, but when I tried to close the drawer something caught my eye. My little box. It had been a while. Maybe just one?

No. I could do this. For phil.

I shut the drawer and thew my tech into my back pack. Then I closed up my carry on, since the suitcase itself was bigger than I needed, and grabbed my travel buddy, a chocolate brown bear named Charlie. I placed him in my back pack and dragged my stuff to the living room. After I ditched my stuff I retreated into my room once again and gathered my hair brush and other assorted hair tools. I dumped them onto my bed and retrieved my hair bag from the book shelf. After brushing my hair through, I braided it quickly and pinned it up so it was out of the way. I put everything into my hair bag except my hair scissors and fine comb. I brushed out my bangs. They where almost to my collar bone, but not long enough to get caught in my braid. I gathered them and brushed them to one side. Then I got a plastic bag and put it in front of me so I wouldn't make a mess. I cut off as much as I dared, then I carefully clipped here, and layered there, until I has a strange, oblique, sharp, yet kinda soft fringe going across my face.

I tied up the bag with my hair in it and threw it into the trash. Then I packed away my scissors and comb. Then I put the hair stuff bag in my back pack.

I decided to rest until dan and phil where done packing. How long does it take them to throw stuff in to a bag? Oh well. More time to sleep for me. I pulled my phone from my back pack and went to my room to listen to music till I fell asleep. 

"Hey! Hey Thorn wake up!"

I was retrieved from my nap by Dan, poking my neck. 

"GAH!!! Stop it! No!"

I rolled off the other side of the bed and landed in a cat-crouch pose and grabbed a marker. With the cap still on I launched myself at a surprised Dan and started poking him back.

"I might not have seen many of your videos but I know you can't stand this either!"

He squirmed out of reach and held up his hands. 

"Ok Ok! truce?"

I nodded and held out my marker. "Truce."

"Ok. Phil wanted me to come get you, we are gonna go out in a little bit and he figured you would be asleep, so you should probably start getting ready."

"Where are we going?"

Dan shrugged, "I don't know, he wouldn't tell me."

I grabbed my phone, along with my hoodie and jacket, and looked for my chunky boots. After I found them I put on some mascara and bronzer, and went to the living room to wait for the guys. After a few minutes they came out and we went out to do whatever Phil had planed.

(Time skip to a few hours later.)

I climbed into my bed after showering, we had gone to the movies and I was really tired. Tomorrow was the day that Phil and I would be leaving for his house for the holidays. I was starting to get really nervous. What if his Mum didn't like me? What if I did something wrong? What if? What if? What if? I couldn't get my mind to shut up. I tossed and turned to try and get comfortable, but I just couldn't. I got up and got Charlie, my bear, from my bag and went to the kitchen to make some tea to try and calm down. Then I retreated to my room and tried again to go to sleep.

Eventually I did fall asleep, but nightmares accompanied it.

I saw my mom again, she had cookies, I was frosting them, the storm came, the pets freaked out, she disappeared again, the strange men where there again, I ran again, and I was shot again.

I woke up to Phil gently patting my shoulder.

 

"Thorn, Hey thorn. Its time to get up, we are leaving in an hour."

I sat up and stretched.

"Ok, I'm coming I'm coming."

I then promptly fell back into bed and rolled over.

"No no silly, its time to get up!"

"I did...."

"Oh come on, you don't want to miss Christmas do you?"

I peaked out from under my comforter.

"Do I have to get out of bed? If so, I'm fine with that."

Phil rolled his eyes.

"Dan and I will take selfies on your phone."

"Good luck finding it."

He sighed.

"I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice."

He turned and yelled into the hallway.

"Hey dan!! I need you to come tickle Thorn with me! She wont get out of bed!"

I sprang up and slipped a felt tip marker out of my drawer just as Dan turned into my room.

"Oh no you don't. I know something you don't know I know"

Dan scoffed, "And what would that be?"

I pulled out my felt tip and a piece of wood, sprang over Phil and rubbed the tip of the marker on the wood. Phil burst out laughing. Dan covered his ears and begged for mercy.

"Ok,"I said, " as long as I don't get tickled."

"Ok, whatever you say, this time...."

Phil cleared his throat. "Ok ok. It's time to get ready to go. I'm going to go eat some food. You do whatever you need to do to be ready."

I nodded, "Ok."

Phil left to go eat and Dan retreated towards his room. I gathered my things for my shower.

After I showered I had some time left, so I did some makeup. I had watched some beauty gurus and I wasn't so bad anymore. 

Before I knew it Phil and I had said bye to Dan and where on the way to the train station, and then we where on the way to Rawtenstall.

The train ride was pretty uneventful, at least I assume so, I was asleep for most of it. When Phil woke me up we where almost there. Once we actually got to his mums house I was surprised at how nice it was. It didn't look like how I thought a grandma's house would look like. I supposed that this lady really would be a grandmother now that her son had a child, she was my grandmother now. Man. that sure was weird to think about. I shook the thought from my mind and stepped inside. As soon as I did I was engulfed in the spirit of Christmas. There where decorations in every corner. A lady came over and I was sucked into a massive hug.

"OOO my Darlin' I'm soo happy you here!! I can't wait to get the chance to get to know you! There are some people you should meet!"

I was spun around as Mrs. Lester introduced the people in the room.

"You can call me Gran. This here is Mr. Lester, you can call him Grandad, this is Phil's brother, his name is Martyn, I don't know what he prefers, but he has a little girl named Lorel, she is only two. Now this is our dog named Corey, you can pet him, he won't bite you he really is quite nice. Now go ahead and take off our shoes and coat, you can leave them right by the door, then you can sit in the living room or you can help me with the cooking, just make sure you have fun. Oh what lovely hair you have! I wish that I could grow my hair like that."

Phil came over to rescue me.

"Hello Mum! How are you?"

"oh I've been well, you are faring well in the city aren't you? Getting enough to eat? Washing behind your ears and all that right?"

"Yes mum, now, Thorn-"

"Oh Thorn, what a lovely name! I was afraid the child would be called Teresa all the time, it's good for children to have a nick name you know, a term of endearment and such."

"Yes mum, now try and be gentle with her, you know she isn't really used to being fussed over, I don't want to startle her or for her to feel uncomfortable."

"Oh yes I know. You told me all about it over the phone. I'll do my best to make her feel welcome and completely comfortable. Just you wait she'll feel like part of the family in no time!"

Wow. this was going to be a very interesting holiday.


	10. A Christmas Party

The first day staying with Phil's family went pretty well. Mrs. Lester fawned over me which was weird. I wasn't used to being a positive center of attention. She and I made cookies and cakes, along with mince pies. I didn't know there wasn't any mince in them before! I played with Lorel, who, for a two year old, was pretty cool! She wasn't scared of me like most little kids. She loved playing with my hair and anything of mine she could get her hands on. I don't think Marytin and his girlfriend where huge fans of this, or me for that matter, but they put up with it. When ever I Wanted to have some time away from people I would either play with Corey in the room that I was using, or I would sneak into the massive library in the back of the house.

After almost a week of visiting, and a mass of relatives coming over, it was finaly Christmas Eve day. I was woken as one of the little cousins that was also staying here climbed up on my bed and poked my check.

"Wake up kus!! It's time to get up! Today Is the day before Christmas!! You know what that means!!"

I sat up, yawned and stretched.

"No? What?"

she looked at me in shock.

"You mean you really don't know?!"

I shook my head.

"Today Is the day that we all have a huge party! We have crackers, and games, and we all wear nice clothes because we take pictures, and we call people who couldn't come, and we eat pies, and goose, and pudding, and candies, and stuffing, and loads of other fun stuff happens!!"

Great, a party. I was up for lots of things to try and make Phil and his Mum happy, but this was just too much.

"Do I have to go?"

"of course!! It wouldn't be a party if people just hid it their rooms all day! Besides we cousins all want you to play with us!"

"Fine, I'll try."

"YAY!!! Wake up everyone!! Thorny is going to play with us!!"

I rolled my eyes and tried to go back to sleep, but I was pounced on by almost a dosen little, yelling, children who had adopted me as their big cousin. I tried to push them off, but they just laughed and yelled for me to do it again.

Suddenly I felt my covers being pulled off and all the kids got wrapped up in it. Them I heard Phil and Martyn laughing their heads off.

"Guys! I'm cold now!" I whined.

I didn't really mind, it was actually nice being able to breath without the weight of a dosen children on top of me. The two man-children just rolled their eyes at me and dragged my blanket, still encasing the kids in it, out of the room that I now shared with a few other teen cousins. I rolled off my bed and pulled my bag out from under my bed. 

"Just because it's a party doesn't mean I am going to act and dress preppy!" I mumbled to myself.

I pulled out a galaxy "peirce the veil" shirt and a pair of duo toned grey, ripped skinny jeans. To top it all off I pulled on a black and purple button up flannel. I struggled to brush through my hair, eventually giving up and putting it up in a messy bun. I slapped on some mascara, lined my water lines, did a small wing, and applied some grey eyeshadow. 

"That pretty much tops off the whole thing"

I stuffed everything under my bed and went downstairs trying not to trip. There where already loads of people and I struggled to find Phil in all the bustle. After an eon of searching I found him talking to an older set of grown ups.

"So what's going on with you and that girl of yours we keep hearing about?" Asked the man.

"Yes! We hear you where going to adopt a respectable baby. Not a ragabond teen!" The lady said, not trying too hard to be quiet.

"Thorn? She isn't a ragabond." Phil responded. "She is a very nice girl. Yes, I do admit I was planning on adopting a young child, even a baby, but she just seamed like she needed a home more than anyone else there. I talked to all the children there and she seemed like the best one to me. She doesn't want to cause trouble, she loves animals and children, and she is passionate! I don't see why you have such a problem with her."

"But you and that other boy that you live with, surely you aren't capable of caring for a teen girl?!"

Phil looked hurt and taken aback. I walked over to him and gave him a hug and stayed under his arm.

"Phil and Dan have been better parents than anyone else I have ever met! They care about me very much and do the best they can. They let me be who I am and I'm sure that's more than many can say! Phil is my dad and I love him very much!" I started to cry a little a buried my face in Phils side.

The older lady just scoffed and walked off mumbling something about how improper it all was. The man turned to me and Phil and smiled. Then followed his wife.

I hugged Phil. "People can be really mean sometimes." I mumbled into his shirt.

"Yes, yes they can. But we just have to brush them off and keep going."

 

Phil and I talked to more people and he introduced me to anyone who didn't know me and vise versa. I was exhausted by the time lunch rolled around. Phil and I usually ate lunch in the living room by the tree, along with the children and the other younger adults while the all the way grown ups all ate around the huge table in the dinning room. But to day we all ate in the dinning room. I saw how much food their was and gulped.

"Corey and the other dogs look excited. I'll go take them for a walk before they get in trouble." I used my usual excuse.

"Oh it's ok. They will mellow out once they get the idea that they aren't going to eat everything by themselves." Said Gran.

I looked at Phil.

"Just try your best, I know it's a lot, but you've been doing so well! Just try, it'll be ok."

I nodded. 

Throughout the meal I played with my food. I felt Corey rest his head in my lap and I got an idea. I cut a piece of food and made pretend like I was going to eat it, but I slipped it to him instead. Soon all the dogs where gathered around me, trying to get some too. I was a genius. I got through the whole meal with out eating anything! Yay!

Then we all went to get into the clothes we would wear in our christamas pictures. I decided that I would change too, seeing as I had patches of drool on my pants. I chose a black danisnotonfire shirt, black skinnys, purple beanie, and the same button up with the sleeves rolled to the top of my bracelets. Then I added a tinny amount of purple eye shadow to pull it all together. 

"Not bad" I thought to myself. I went back down stairs and found Phil again. We waited until his mum pulled us over and told us where to stand. I heard snickering from the other teen girls and sighs from the grown ups. Gran glared over her shoulder. Gosh I love her. Phil had a plan for our picture. He grabbed his laptop, which to my surprise was open to FaceTime and had Dan waving through the screen. Then he grabbed a cracker and we each help one end and pulled. Confetti came out and flew over the three of us. I saw the flash of the camera and we rushed over to see it. I saw Dan making a derpy face and waving his hands in the air, Phil and I where smiling. I loved it. We took a few more and talked to Dan, who was having a simple get together with his brother and immediate family. At that one moment I was as happy as could be. 

After we said bye to Dan the little cousins pulled me over and we played tons of games and I read them old Christmas stories in the library. Soon it was the middle of the night and I was ready to sleep for the next decade. I showered and brushed out my hair and slipped into some pajamas. Then I tip toed into the kitchen and made some tea. Phil came in and popped two biscuits into the toaster. I grabbed another mug and poured in some hot water, falling into the routine we had back home in the flat. I sat on the counter next to the toaster and Phil leaned against the fridge, both of us sipping our tea.

"Do you want to open one of your gifts early?" Phil asked.

"I have a gift, and more than one?!" 

"Of course! I don't know exactly how many, but my Mum and I wouldn't let you go without." He smiled. "I'm going to go grab one for you."

"Only if I get to choose one for you too."

"Ok. If you must."

We both went into the living room and grabbed a box with the others name on it. Obviously from the two of us. Then we retreated back to the kitchen. We handed the boxes to each other.

"You go first." Phil said.

"Ok"

I carefully opened the small, fist sized package, making sure not to rip the paper. I pulled out a small black, velvet box. When I opened it there was a silver coloured necklace with a tree whose roots where shaped like a book. I loved it and smiled from ear to ear.

"Thank you Phill! I love it!"I hugged him

"Ok your turn" I said, edging to the edge of the counter.

He opened his and found a few small things. Fake gauges with a note saying "Your personality is too adorable" which made him laugh, and a few rare Pokemon cards.

"Omg, I was looking for these ones! How did you find them?"

"I have my sources.."

he laughed and engulfed me in a Phil hug. We both jumped when the toaster dinged and the food popped up, causing Phil to bump his head on the cubord. 

"Ow." He pouted. 

"Are you ok?" I asked through muffled laughter.

"Yes. Do you want jam on your buiscut?"

I nodded. This was the only time I felt like eating was ok since I got here, when it was just me and Phil. At the flat it was okay as long as it was just me and the guys and it wasn't a lot or too often. We finished our food and tea, then we went back to bed, 'Before Santa comes.' Before I went back into my room I went to the bathroom and pulled out the scale. I stepped up and winced. I had gained weight when I moved into the flat, I lost some of it when I came here for Christmas, but not enough........


	11. Who is dad?

Christmas Day was stressful. I attempted to hide in a corner, but gran tried to bring me out when she could. I love her and all, but I know most of the family dislikes me. I wore the necklace that Phil... Dad, had gotten me. I liked that. I had a family, even if the part that acted like it was small. I had a dad! I had a dad, and a gran, and Dan. I'm not sure how Dan fit in. Was he a dad? An uncle? I'd figure that out after. Anyway. I got a jumper from gran, she also gave dad and I matching bracelets and shirts that had "team lion" on the back. I also got some things for my room. When we got home Dan, Phil, and I would have our own Christmas, so we each had a gift for each other at home. 

We left a few days later. I was so glad to be home, away from the judgmental looks. Soon Dan was also home and we had our own Christmas. We exchanged gifts and ate some of Dan's fine cooking and Phil's hot chocolate. Some how I ate a bit. That night as we scrolled through Tumblr I asked Phil a question.

"Hey Dad?" He looked up from his screen and so did Dan, looking confused.

"First, do you like Dad, or some other variation? Second, are you dating Dan? Is he Dad too? Dan, would you want to be called Dad? Or are you like an uncle?"

They started giggling. 

"I never really thought about that." Replied Phil. "I always assumed I would be Dad or something like that. But if Dan is also a Dad I don't know. If he is an uncle I guess I would be Dad."

I noticed they where starting to blush. "You never answered the questions all the way."

"Well, yes, I guess we are together. I mean, we consider each other family, and dating other people isn't really on option."

"Thants right" interrupted Dan. "I mean.... Uhh... Well.... Yeah..... Gosh Phil just keep going I suck at this."

"Right" Phil continued. "So I guess one of us is dad, Dan which one should be Dad?"

"I don't really care, we could both be Dad, as long as we make sure some one responds that should work."

"Ok, I guess that is what we are. "

I smiled and ran to Phil and gave him a hug.

"I didn't have a dad for my first 15 years, And now I have two!"

He smiled. "Well, I'm glad that we got the privalage to be your parents."

Soon I fell asleep next to Phil. I woke up in my bed later. Some times, even teenagers need a little magic, and want to have time to be little kids and have dads.


	12. We Are Going To America!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I disappeared! I should be back for now. Here is some more story. Although I've written really far ahead, I'm trying to release about once a week. Have fun, stay safe, ily ^u^

I will never forget that day when dad and dad said we would be going to America again. I was so excited when they told me! I Was excited to be going, even if it was because they where going on tour again. Just being in the same country I was born in, or where I assume I was born in, was something I thought I would never get to do again. But there we where, planing for a few months in America and I was ecstatic. 

"Do you think we will get to go to Disney? What about New York? Will we get to see some of the American YouTubers like Connor and Tyler? Will we get to see Lilly? How about we go to the original Starbucks! I know you guys love Starbucks a lot and it would be so much fun!"

After about half an hour of my questions and no answers between, I calmed down enough to try and think straight. Dan sat me down and explained that I would have to remember that I was still a secret even though it would be hard on the road and stuff.

"Can't I be Phil's relative from America again? I think that's believable, he is nice enough to bring a younger relative on tour if they wanted."

"I guess so, but that isn't an excuse for being careless and too open. Just remember how those girls acted towards you when you encountered our fans for the first time. We need to be careful."

"Ok, I will."

We made plans for me to be helping onstage, back stage, hidden in the crowds, or hidden backstage during shows. I thought that being backstage in a dressing room would probably be best because I didn't do well in crowds. Especially with other girls. Dan called some of the American youtubers so that I wouldn't be alone, and They could shoot some collabs while my Dads where in the country. I learned that it's a tradition for fellow you tubers to come to each others shows and have partys and games after a show, and sometimes even on the road! 

I was really excited, but obviously scared about going to a different country so far away from home. I started writing in a notebook to try and relax, and it worked a little. I loved writing storys too. They didn't take all the fright away though. I started having more nightmares, and more late night meals with Phil. We talked about it and he made sure any questions I had where answered. We would go online and learn all about going through customs and switching flights and things like that. Soon I knew all about what should happen and what to do if something went wrong. It was funny because Dan would run into a room and pretend he had missed his flight and I would be the air line worker and tell him where to go. He confessed that I knew more about travel than he did at that point.

No matter how many times we went over it I was still terrified and was dreading the traveling itself, but there we where, one week till we left, and it was starting to feel even more nerve racking. We all sat in the living room on tumblr. No surprise there, and I saw a post about how excited a fan was about the tour coming and I essentially burst into tears because I was so not ready to leave yet.

"What's wrong, thorn?" Asked a worried Phil.

"I-I'm no-t-t-t ready to g-g-o on t-t-our y-e-et." I sobbed

He and Dan came over and held me,.

"Hey, it's ok." Dan consoled. "We'll be back before you know it! And while we're away you'll get to spend time with Lilly, and Connor, and Tyler, and shane! I'm sure you'll have loads of fun. Besides, we'll be there all the time, right there, just one little buss sofa cushion away."

I sniffled and laughed a little bit. He and Phil kept on going and got into a pretend domestic argument.

"Am in going to have to deal with your sofa crease on tour too? You know there won't be nearly as much room, Dan."

"I know, but there is always room for a good sofa crease! Besides, it will be like having a little piece of home on tour! Isn't that right thorn?"

"I guess so." I replied.

"I don't think that would be the optimal part of our home to bring with us Dan, what about a travel plush instead, or a special blanket?!"

"No, I'm pretty sure that my crease is the most important and thus Shall be coming with me!"

"Fine, but no coffee in the crease when the bus is moving. You already have enough problems with not spilling in our stationary house!"

"But Phil! You can't have a crease and tumblr. Without coffee!!"

"Of course you can, I manage just fine."

"But Phil!!"

I was laughing at that point, remembering how Dan had made me laugh by being a clutz the first time I came here.

"No Dan, we cannot bring our entire mug collection with us on tour!"

"But that would make everyone feel more at home."

I loved living with these perfect dorks, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I fell asleep listening to Dan try and convince Phil that bringing a chandelier would be a perfectly good idea.

I woke up around 4 in the morning. I was sweating again. I didn't remember dreaming the dream again, or anything at all really. I got out of my bed and pulled out my suit case. Looking around I finally found what I was looking for, my book. Phil got me a new copy of, "The Lightning Theif" after he learned of the old one's fate. I grabbed it and crawled back into bed without even grabbing my head phones. For once I just wanted to read.

About an hour later Phil came in to wake me up. He came around the corner and rubbed his eyes.

"Hey sweets, time to get up. Today's the day."

I crawled deeper into my blankets and tried not to be too scared. I guess Phil could tell I was still extreamly nervous. He came and sat next me and wrapped he in his giant arms. I curled up and lent against him. We just sat there until Dan came looking for us.

Eventually Phil got up and assisted me in getting to my feet. I placed my book back into my bag. It was time to get going to the airport. Before I left my room I reached into the bedside table's drawer and pulled out the bracelet Dan gave me. I slipped it onto my wrist and took a deep death. I could to this.

I grabbed my suitcase and walked out of my room and into the kitchen to grab something in case I got hungry on the way. I hesitated for a moment. I had been having quite a few meals with Phil at night. Well.. I guessed I would just bring something small, but I wouldn't necessarily eat it.

The three of us all piled into a cab and headed to the airport. We had to wait a little bit after we checked in. Soon we were sitting on the plane. Dan in the aisle seat, Phil near the window, and me in between. I placed one of my earphones into my ear and turned on some calming music that Dan and I had preselected while getting ready. I leaned on Dan's shoulder and soon fell asleep to him reassuringly stroking my hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn't find my parents. Wait, who were my parents. I looked over and saw a pink mirror, a pink, makeup stained rug, and a bunch a blonde girls all around me.

Where was I?

"Well now we'll show her. She doesn't deserve to leave here does she?" I heard one snicker.

"No, no she doesn't. She should stay here while we go and find familys."

Somehow my body knew what was coming. I curled up without knowing what I was doing. I felt a punch thrown into my side, another on my back. Then repetitive blows from what I somehow knew were shoes and feet.

What was going on? What did I do? Why am I being kicked agian? Again? Why did I know it was again? I yelled, trying to get them to stop. I felt some one grab my shoulders. It was Elsie? How did I know who she was? She held my shoulders and shook me.

"Wake up! Wake up, Thorn!"

Why did she look so worried? Who was she?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I snapped out of my nightmare. Dan was holding my shoulder. He looked worried.

"Wha- what happened?" I asked.

"You had a nightmare again. You started crying."

"Oh." I said

He looked into my eyes worriedly. "Are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I-I dont know." All the memories flooded back into my mind. I knew where I had been in that nightmare. The orphanage. I wasn't there now, and I was safe now. That is what was important. I would be ok now. I was with my dads now. And I was safe.

"Ok" he said, "Once you know, I'll be ready. Until then, do you want to play a game? I brought a deck of cards. I'm not sure what we can do with them, but im sure we could figure out something."

I nodded.

We played a, "new and improved" version of uno. At least that's what Dan called it. It was really just random card piles we claimed made sense.

Within an hour or so I was falling asleep again. I was afraid I would have another night mare, but Dan promised to wake me if I started to cry again. Knowing that, I drifted off into sleep, and I didn't have one unpleasant dream. Not one.


	13. A New Place

Once the three of us got off the plane, Phil lead us to the in-airport starbucks and the guys got coffee. I looked in awe at all the bright lights and amazing acratectural decorations.

I jumped as someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around a saw lilly!

I started to go into full on fangirl mode, "Oh my gosh, Lilly!! You're here!"

She laughed and gave me a hug, "I hope I'm here, otherwise this is all one of my dreams and I'll have a crap ton of work to do once I wake up!"

I saw Dan smiling with Phil. They did this, I can tell. "Dad, did you too..."

Dan came over to stand with us, "All we said is that we would be in florida and might need a ride. Also that we may just so happen to be bringing a sertain incognito girl."

"Wait, lilly, dont you live in LA? You didn't drive all the way to Florida did you?"

"nothing gets past you does it?" She laughed. She had such a light hearted spirit, "Who said it was just me here?"

I could feel my eyes widen. Looking to Phil I saw him try to not burst into complete laughter, which, quite franckly, he was failing at. Dan was holding Phil up so he wouldn't fall to the floor. Lilly took my hand and lead me to the baggage claim and the four of us grabbed our bags. Then Lilly lead us out side and I saw a mini van..... full of YouTubers!!!! I didn't even know eveyone there!

A guy with red hair was behind the wheel. Then, behind him, was another guy with light hair and a cool accent that I'd never heard before. In the back seat was hannaheart and her girlfriend, which made me start to fangirl even more to the point that Dan came to make sure I didn't have an aneurism. Lastly was a man with a nice turban thing and the best beard I had ever seen.

Dan, Phil, Lilly, and I all piled into the van and turned up the strerio.

"Hey guys" said hannah, "Thorn hasen't gotten to hear Lilly's new song yet!"

The red haired guy turned back to yell to hannah, "The whole internet hasn't heard the song yet!"

"What song?!" Asked my oblivious parents.

"OMG" said the accented boy, "Just put on the song!!"

"Jeez, ok Casper." Said the bearded man.

"Humble just wants to hear his wonderful singing again." Smirked Lilly.

Once we actually got on the highway we put the song on. Lilly is such a good song writer. The song was called voices and it was actually a bunch or songs slash poems put onto one track. It was all bout how we have voices in our head and it's up to us what to do with them. After a half hour in the car we finally arived at the hotel we would all stay at for the next few days. Phil went to go check in while Dan and I helped everyone get the luggage inside.

Eventually Dan and I had gotten everything into our own room and had collapsed on the beds, marking our territory with tech and clothing. Phil walked in and rolled his eyes in frustration, "already making a mess I see? You can't even keep a place nice for an hour!"

"Oh calm down, Phil." Said Dan " We are getting settled down, we'll clean in a bit once we've gotten to rest for a while, I need to make a nice crease anyway."

Sighing, Phil set up his things and went to find a room service menu.

I sat up and decided to put my suit case by the wall. I was too scared I would forget something if I put my belongings in the drawers or anything.

After about an hour or two, Lilly and Humble came over to our room to visit for a little while. Durning our visit her and Dan talked about busy schedules and production techniques. Phil, Humble, and I talked about beards and the awesomeness that beards are. After Lilly and Humble left Phil called in room service for the three of us while we watched The Amazing Spider-Man on the large TV. Afterwords we all got ready to turn in for the night.

"You're going to need your rest tonight, Thorn," said Phil, "We have a full day tomorrow. Playlist, panels, meet and greats, interveiw projects...."

Dan chimed in, "And a special surprise!!"

"Really? More surprises?" I was honestly so shocked, how could this trip get any better? "How did you guys do it?"

"We have our sources." Sighed Dan, " You can do anything if you know the right people."

But for now," said Phil, "It's time to get some rest."

I gave Phil a hug and thanked him before hopping into the shower and changing into my pajamas. Before I climbed into my bed I decided to lie out my clothes for the next day. I Decided on my team lion Christmas shirt and a black DINOF sweatshirt, with the obvious skinny jeans and galaxy canvas shoes. I carefully took the necklace Phil got me for Christmas and placed it's box on my nightstand. Grabbing charlie I finally got into my bed and snuggeled into my heavenly pillow mound, souronding myself in blankets, holding Charlie close and inhaling the sent of the flat back home.

I fell asleep to the sound of Dan and Phil scrolling thourgh tumblr. And whispering so they wouldn't keep me up. I Loved them so much.


	14. Margret and her Victim

Once Dan, Phil, and I had all woken up and eaten we headed to the playlist live venue. The guys took me to see where they would be getting ready for panels and such, so if I got lost I would know where to go. While we were there Pj came over and talked about schedules and when we could all hang out. He was really nice and even gave me one of his pins from his jacket. Phil decided he wanted to take me on a small shopping expedition, so we meandered around the shops. Considering we didn't have a ton of time on our hands, we didn't get very much. Although Phil did somehow talk me into letting him buy me a swimsuit and some StarWars merch.

“Well I see you two feel rich today.” Dan teased, gesturing towards the tiny bag Phil was carrying. 

“Well unlike some people we know how to restrain ourselves.” Phil teased back.

Dan pulled Phil over and hugged him. I could swear I saw Dan kiss Phil on the cheek, but maybe it was just a trick of the lights. 

Dan looked over his shoulder and asked me, “Thorn, could you pass me the mic tape over there, please?”

I saw the Tape dispenser and tossed it to him. But Phil, instead of trusting Dan to catch it, reached out and snatched it out of the air. 

“Thanks, but I don’t feel like being impaled right before a show.”

I rolled my eyes. “Are you saying Dad doesn't have good hand eye coordination?”

Phil smiled, “possibly. If you want there is some cool water in the fridge in the other room.”

I walked through the small door and across the second room to the small fridge and grabbed some water. As I crouched down I thought I could hear the voice of my mother that I heard in my dreams, but when I stood up to look around there was no one there. I brushed it off as the hum of the fridge motor. Turning around I flopped down on the couch and curled up in a soft blanket while my Dads finished getting ready for their thingy-was, or whatever it was. I didn't really know what today's agenda was because I just wanted to rest and relax. The jet lag was really taking a toll on me. After a few minutes of surfing the web I thought I heard Mom’s voice again. I whipped my head up and looked for her. Just the fridge again. I reluctantly got up with my blanket and walked into the room with The Guys and plunked myself down on their recliner. Pulling my phone back out I looked through my music and decided on maroon 5. 

“Hey, what's up with you? You look peeved.” Dan looked at me through the dressing mirror with intrigued eyes.  
“If anyone said something, you can talk to us about it you know. It's a new experience for you, we want to make this as easy as possible.”

“No.” I shook my head, “It's not anything like that, the fridge motor was just a little obnoxious. Must be working overtime or something. I’m ok.” 

Dan nodded, “Just making sure.”

Phil looked at Dan and smiled. What was up with those two today? Oh well. I redirected my attention to my phone again. I turned my camera on to use it like a mirror. Yuck, my hair needed a fix up soon. I walked over to the makeup counter by the guy’s mirror and grabbed one of my hair ties that the stage manager got me. She said that they were her favourite kind, the ones without the metal or big globs of glue.  
I slapped my hair into a messy bun, and decided a little makeup would be fun. I popped in my headphones and got to work. Soon I felt like the job was done and I went back to my seat. 

I watched silently while Dan and Phil finished their prep. Soon they were ready and waiting for their thing to start. While they waited we all played blackjack, gambling with pennies found around the room. The best part was knowing more about the American currency that both dads. They started throwing in their own small coins and I could tell what was worth more and could actually make a bit of money. Phil made me promise not to turn to gambling in the future for two reasons, one was because he didn't want me to get too confident, the other was that it wouldn't be fair to other people because apparently I was too good at it. Once we had run out of money on the floor and I had all of it, it was almost time for Phil and Dan to go onstage. But before they did they wanted me to meet someone. A pristine looking lady in a red dress came in, and Dan introduced her while Phil tried to hide a scoff. 

“Thorn, this is Margaret. Margaret, thorn. She is one of my friends and said she would make sure you would be ok while we go onstage. I'm sure you'll both be friends in no time.”

She stiffly reached out her hand to shake mine. “Hello, Small Child.”

She looked thoroughly boring and stiff. Her hair was in stiff curls. She dress may have been red but it looked like a grandma dress. She wore smelly perfume and a wretched watch that ticked loudly in my ears. Where the hell did Dan find this poor thing? A nursing home? 

“It's nice to meet you.” I said, as politely as I could. I couldn't wait for her to leave.

“I know you two will get along quite well.” Said Dan “Margaret is one of youtube’s founders who helped Susan with legal measures.” Dan looked like he was talking about an angel. But I'm pretty sure she was wearing red for a reason, and it wasn't to represent the blood of the lamb. 

Phil gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, “Don't worry, I don’t like her either. Dan thinks she is one of the best things since tumblr. We’ll be back soon, don't fret. Louise is in the crowd. I'll give you her number if you need anything, don't be afraid to call her, even if you just want to play cards or something. She’s been to our things a thousand times and said she wouldn't mind being a surrogate mother at all.”

He slipped a paper with Louise's number into my sweater pocket and kissed my forehead before giving my hand one more squeeze and walking out. Leaving me with the devil lady. 

“Now Teresa,” I heard her voice and shuddered, ”Ground rules. No whining, no crying, no phone, only certain books, I am not to be called Margaret but Dr. Schmidt, and don’t talk to me. You will only read, no running around, and don’t come into the same room as me. I’ll be taking your phone now.”

I was too shocked to protest. She grabbed my arm and reached into my shirt, assuming she would find my phone there. I obviously pulled away and pushed her in the opposite direction. 

“Why you little brat! Give me your phone!” 

She lunged at me and I ran. How could Dan leave her with me?! I ran out the door and through the halls until I had no idea where I was, and I definitely couldn't hear her behind me. I turned one more corner and collapsed against a store room door bursting into tears. I pulled myself closer and closer to my own body. I didn’t know what she did to me while her hand was in my shirt, but it hurt. I trembled as I looked for the piece of paper with Louise's number on it. I trusted Louise, she had her own child and would know what to do. She would be able to help me. I felt the paper in my pocket and pulled it out, then my phone from my jean’s back pocket. I pried my eyes open to try and type in her number through tear filled eyes. It took a few tries because I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. After about fifteen minutes I finally had a message composed and sent to Louise.

“Louise. Thorn here. Need help, I dont now were am. Devil Lady hurt me. Hup. Pleaser scared”

I got a reply within seconds. 

“Don’t worry Thorn, Love. Lilly saw you running and told me. I am on my way. Would you feel comfortable letting me track your phone to find you? <3” 

I didn't care how she would find me, I wanted her here asap. 

“I dnt min Hury pls”

“I'm Almost there, hold on, I’m on my way, Love.”

I put my phone down in my curled lap and hugged my knees tighter, pulling my hood up and trying to become as small as I could. I moved under the drinking fountains and leaned into the corner. I thought I could hear my Mom's voice again and I almost screamed in frustration. I slammed my head into the wall to try and make it stop. It wouldn't go away and I started crying and kept hitting my head on the wall. I pulled my hair and punched my legs, just wanting everything to stop. I felt someone pull me away from my hiding spot and I screamed and fought. Whoever it was unfurled me and pinned down all my limbs and held my head in their hands. 

“Hey. Hey. Hey.” They cooed. “It’s ok. Thorn. You are safe. I’m Louise. I’m here to help. I’m here to help you.”

I stopped trying to push her off me. 

“There, there, Love. It’s Louise. I want to make sure you’re safe. I am going to get off your legs now. You can open your eyes. You are safe. No one is going to hurt you.”

I opened my eyes and blinked tears out of the way. I saw louise above me, holding my arms and head so I would not hurt myself more. She let go of my head and let me sit up. 

“Are you ok?” 

I shook my head and quickly crawled into her lap and clung to her for life. I started crying again. 

“Shh… there, there, Love. I’m here. You are safe now. Dan and Phil will be here soon. They are almost done with their panel. You are safe. Lilly will tell them know where we are. You don't need to move. You can cry if you want. You are safe now.”

I didn't move even after Dan came to help. Apparently Phil went to go, “talk” to Margaret. Dan let me hold onto Louise, he just held my hand and told me soothing things until I could open my eyes. He wiped away my tears and helped me try to stand up. I couldn't. Louise stood and I hung on her shoulder while she gently whispered encouraging words into my ear. Once I wasn't curled into a ball anymore Dan scooped me into his arms and held me. We slowly walked to an elevator and across a covered bridge into our hotel. Louise opened the door to our room while Dan walked in and lay me on my bed. He crawled in and wrapped us in his blanket from the flat at home. Louise made some tea and called Phil to let him know where we all went. Once Phil got back I had already fallen asleep holding onto Dan, and I wasn't about to let go any time soon. I only woke up once the smell of biscuits and tea came wafting from the kitchen. Phil must have gotten some while he was out. I peeped through the light streaming through the window and looked over to see a plate of food next to my bed. If it hadn't involved letting go of Dan, I would have engulfed the entire plate in no time. However there was no way in tarnation I was letting go until I was good and ready. Phil came over and stroked my hair. He made it easy to let go of Dan and hold him instead. I rested in his lap and sipped some tea while nibbling the food on the plate. He never stopped running his fingers through my hair. I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the pad of paper and pen that rested there. I shakely scratched out a note. 

‘Why did you leave me with her?’

“I’m sorry, Thorn. I’ll never let her near you again. I’ll make sure that if we have to have you without us you’ll be with someone you are safe and comfortable with-”

I felt him catch a sob in his throat. I rested by head on his chest and hugged him. Then wrote again.

‘I’m mad at Dan for this, I don't want to talk to him. I trusted him, and he broke that.’

Phil nodded, “I know. He feels really bad about it though. I’m sure he'll understand what he did.”

I didn't care, and I wrote that too. Phil understood and nodded. I got off of his lap and got a drink from the fridge. I almost punched it because I could hear the motor. Although it didn't sound like Mom It still made me mad. I walked over to my bag and got my sketchbook out. I wanted to draw, I didn't know what, but I wanted to. So I just started doodling and I wound up with a terrible scribble. I listened to music through one headphone, while marking sure to listen closely to everything and everyone with my other ear, I wasn't about to let anything happen to me again. I started a new page, this time with an idea. I started with a light pencil sketch. I picked up my pad of writing paper from before and asked phil if he had any other art supplies with him. He didn’t, which didn't surprise me. He said we could go get some tomorrow if I felt ready to go places. I nodded and went back to draw. I stayed in the same place all the rest of the day. I just sat in front of the heater, under the window, with the sun shining on me, drawing. I didn't move until the sun went down and I didn't have any more natural light to draw in. 

After I moved from the heater I felt extremely cold. I almost ran to my bag and pulled out a fresh change of clothes, including two hoodies. Neither of which were Dan’s. I walked into the bathroom to shower. I took off my shirt and saw angry red scratches, even a gash here and there, all running across my chest. They must have been from the devil’s finger nails. I pulled my dirty hoodie on and trudged over to my bag in the other room, by the dresser. I unzipped it and dug through it to look for something to take care of myself. I found bandages, ointment, aloe, and Hydrogen peroxide. Going back to the bathroom I cleaned and disinfected my chest and showered. I decided to shave to try and make myself feel better, making something about myself look normal and untouched. I massaged my hair with shampoo and conditioner, then rinsed it out. Before I stepped out of the shower I quickly braided my hair to make it wavy once it dried. I turned off the warm water and immediately began to shiver. I stepped out and speedily dried myself and got dressed in a long sleeve shirt, and my two clean hoodies. I pulled on fuzzy sleep pants and moisturized my legs. I looked on the counter and saw a facemask. I quickly applied it and walked out to watch youtube until the mask dried. 

I still didn't want to talk to Dan. I hadn't talked since Phil left me with the devil lady and I didn’t plan to for a long time. Dan tried to apologize, but I didn't say anything. He obviously didn't understand what he did. He didn't know about me at all. I stopped wearing his bracelet. I didn't want to, but it was his and I didn't want to be indebted to him in any way, shape, or form. The bracelet lived in a box, in my suitcase, for the rest of playlist live. I still wouldn't talk, and Phil didn't make me. He got me more paper. Really nice paper that was smooth. He talked to my favourite youtube artist, Echo. She helped me find art supplies to finish my drawings. Echo also taught me how to use some new things and how to make my art digital using my phone. She was really really nice and promised that once she had settled into her new home in London we would hang out and do artsy things. During the time I was at playlist live Echo and I became really nice friends and she taught me some sign language so I wouldn't have to write everything. Once it was time for her to leave she gave me her phone number and asked to keep in touch. We exchanged all sorts of social media names and hugged bye when she left. Phil noticed how much I liked her,

“Once we get home, I promise we’ll see Echo again. You and I can show her everything there is to see in and around London, ok?”

‘That will be awesome!’ I signed ‘I can’t wait!!’

I was very proud of how quickly Phil picked up my sign. He never forced me to write something if I didn't want to anymore. He said he missed my voice though. 

“Thorn, will you tell me why won’t you talk anymore?” he asked “I miss your beautiful voice. I miss hearing you sing all the time, everyone does.”

‘I don't want to anymore. My voice doesn't mean anything anymore. I might talk again someday, once I'm good and ready. But now it hurts to talk. It just reminds me of all the times I was ignored. Sign makes things alot easier. It isn't something you can multitask or ignore if you want to communicate. You have to give your full attention to sign, instead of letting things float around without being heard.’

I was extremely grateful he understood. While he encouraged me to try talking again, Phil learned to sign and taught me sign as well. By the time playlist was over we could talk very well without having to open our mouths. Dan tried to make up his mistake to me. I would only acknowledge his presents in the room by shrinking away. I wouldn't talk to him, and I guess he didn't care, because he didn't try to learn how to sign at all. Phil tried to explain, but Dan was too infatuated with Margaret to listen. Phil didn't give up on Dan though. I guess Phil loved him too much to let him go, even if Dan didn't see that. 

Lilly and Louise stayed with me whenever Phil wasn't around. I got comfortable with Casper, Humble, Darcy, and almost everyone. Everyone except Dan. Lilly talked to me about it and she understood, even though she didn't necessarily approve. Soon I wasn't quite so mad at Dan, but it was going to be harder than he thought to regain my trust. After I was more comfortable going outside, Phil took me to the mall and we went on an actual shopping spree. Phil got me a 3DSXL and some games for it, New headphones, and a lot of nice makeup from sephora. I was worried about how much Phil was spending on me. Why would me spend money on someone so unimportant and has caused him so much trouble. 

‘Why are you doing all this for me? I don't deserve this, I’m not important. I shouldn't have all this.”

“I know that you haven't had things to call your own for most of your life,” Phil said,” I want you to feel like you have things to call your own. Most children and teenagers have at least a room full of things just for them. I want that to become a reality for you also. Once we get back home I hope you have things, and places to call your own. So to sum it up, because I want to.”

I understood a little, but not completely. I figured it was something my Mom would do, because it felt like she was right there with me, telling me it was ok. I nodded and gave Phil a happy hug. I almost felt like a normal kid again, and it was amazing.


	15. Dear Dad

PlayList was over too soon, yet it dragged on for forever. I was proud of myself by the end because I had lost a lot of weight, almost all my clothes were too big on me and I had to wear belts everyday. Phil had noticed and I could tell he was worried. He tried to have late night meals with me again, just like at home, but I wouldn't have any of it. I grew more tired, irritable, and I definitely did not want to sit around and wait for panels and talks to end. Instead I visited Lilly and hung around Louise and helped with taking care of Darcy. Darcy and I soon became closer and were inseparable once we were allowed in the same room together. Signing bye to Darcy was difficult, and I had to reassure her I would see her again sometime soon. Louise told Darcy she would see me again on tour and we could go for American pancakes together.

As I was cleaning up and washing my dirty clothing I got to think more about the time I spent in Florida. I Decided to write time capsule letters to people in my life, such as Phil, Louise, Darcy, Me..... maybe even Dan. If I could ever trust him again, I would definitely want to have something from the past to show him, like the rest of my family.

I started with Phil's letter.

 

‘Dear Dad,

I love you, I Love you to the moon and back. You are the only person who cared about me and Loved me enough to save me from myself. I may not always understand what you do, or why you do the things you do, but I trust you enough to know they are what is best for me and you. Someday I hope I can make you as proud of me, as I am of you. I am so proud of all the accomplishments you have made, and all the trials you have been through. I am sorry I haven't been the perfect daughter, and I hope to become one ASAP. I wonder many things about our future sometimes. How long will I live with you? Will we be happy together forever? Or will we fight, or will I run away? I certainly hope not. I Love you and want to stay with you forever. You saved me from my past and for that I am eternally grateful. 

Before I met you I didn't know what to do. I was a mess. I didn't want to live. I never told you my full story and I wish I had. So Ill tell you now. I don’t know when you will read this, but I hope I will be here when you do. 

Before I came to London I had lived in America.I had been in adoption systems and orphanages for as long as I can remember. The only memory I have from Before I was alone is a reoccurring dream of me and my mother. She has a lovely voice and can sing like an angel. She is very young and has golden hair. I was taken from her after she disappeared. I was shot multiple times, and was taken by men I don’t know. I don't know how I got to an orphanage, I just know i got there somehow. I was bounced around America for a very long time before I saw sent to London. When I asked why I was being moved all I was told was that I wasn't safe and that I was too young to understand. I know my mother and I loved each other very much, but I don’t know where she is now, or why she isn’t with me, but I know she loves me. I hope you and I will get to meet her someday.  
After I was placed in London Mr. Stiltskin got me, and you know most of the story from there on out. You may not know that I cut myself, but I suspect you do. I also have a few suicide attempts behind me. I am so much happier here with you,   
I don’t want to hurt anymore, even if I do get scared or hurt by others. You have cared for me even at your own expense and I can never repay you enough. 

I will try to write again. Maybe by the time you read this there will be many other letters to go along with this one. Hopefully many, many more to come. 

Love,   
Thorn. <3'


	16. Snake Dan

I put down my pencil and surveyed my work. A little dark, but then again, I can't change my own story. Dan came in the room. Before I even looked to see who it was him, I curled up to hide. It isn't easy to hide on a tour bus, but for some reason my body decided I was going to try. 

"Hey hey hey, don't be scared. Its just me. No one new. Phil is here too, you're safe. I'm sorry I startled you. Are you ok?" 

I nodded my head. Dan sat down on the couch sat in the opposite corner of the room from me. Dan and I had silently figured out how to co-exist together. He wasn't allowed to come too close to me. If he was going to be in the same area I had to be able to see him the entire time, he had to announce he was there, and he wasn't to move quickly. In return I didn't freak out, panic, run away, or hurt anyone by accident. 

Quickly folding my letter, I silently got up from my seat and slipped out of the shared room and into my sleeping quarters. I had a standard RV bunk, complete with tiny light. I had placed small pieces of paper with quotes and comforting images on the walls around my bed. I crawled under my duvet and curled up to the side, pressing my back against the wall for support and comfort. I pulled my letter out, along with a thin, three ring binder to keep it in. Opening the binder, I found a envelope to slip the letter into. I labeled the time paper time capsule and thought about what to do next. I was going to be in the bus for another twenty-four hours before our next stop. The roads weren't too bumpy so I decided on drawing. 

"Thorn.... Thorn... Thorn. Where are you?"  
Phil's voice penetrated my thoughts. I always did that. After I started drawing I got so lost I didn't notice anything. Stowing my drawing I peeped my head around my bed curtain and wrapped my hand on the wall, signaling my presence to Phil. I listened to his feet, padding along the buss floor and turned my head to greet him as he turned to corner. As he walked in I clambered, not too gracefully, out of my bed and stood to see why I was being called. 

{we are about to eat and watch a movie. Could you come and be my date?} 

I giggled. Phil had started calling me his date when he ate. I haven't really eaten in a days, but he didn't need to know that....

{of course!} I signed, grabbing his arm and dragging him into the kitchen. 

Phil reached down some dishes to put our food on while I filled four water glasses. I always made sure our driver had water so he would feel included. This was me favourite part, getting the food ready for people and seeing them enjoy. Even if one of those people was Dan.....

Phil and I walked into the room with Dan. I unfolded a table from the walls and placed the water glasses on it, then scurryed to the driver and handing his water to him. He nodded his thanks and tweaked my chin affectionately. I giggled again and walked back to Phil. He had already served dinner and was waiting for me to choose a movie to watch. 

{So, what will we watch on our Date tonight, Thorn?}

I looked at what we had and settled on watching Practical Magic. I curled up next to Phil and sipped at my water, thankful that Phil was too busy watching the movie to make sure I ate. 

"This movie isn't very exciting." Complained Dan.

I picked up a scrap piece of paper and wrote down my reply 'If you don't like it don't watch. It isn't your date.'

{OOOOHHHH!!!!} Phil gestured, {Nice burn, Thorn!} 

I smiled, {Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night.} 

Phil bust out laughing, almost dropping his food. Dan rolled his eyes, "You know, its very rude to speak a different language around people who don't understand you."

"He's just sore he missed such an awesome moment."  
"Am not!"  
"Are too!"  
I tapped Phil's elbow to get his attention before I contributed {Dan is upset because he isn't as good with his hands.}

Phil looked shocked and bust out laughing all over again, even more than the first time.

"What? What did she say?!"

"I'm not telling you, it's too awesome."

"Oh come on, Phil!" 

"Nope." Phil said, shaking his head.

{Where did you learn to roast that well? I'm impressed! Although I shouldn't really be encouraging you.}

I sighed, {You would be surprised what I can do. There is a reason you only hear songs I like on the radio, because I know how to connect to the speakers and use the radio waves to play my own music.} 

Phil's eyes widened. {WOW! That's really impressive! Where did you learn that?!}

{I was the only one in orphanages to continue learning after I was taken in.} I explained, {So I learned what I wanted, When I wanted. It's come in extremely handy.} 

 

I laughed at my own, unintentional pun along with Phil. Soon we redirected our attention back to the movie. After it was over Dan took all the dishes back into the kitchen to wash. I looked to Phil with questioning eyes and he nodded. I ran back to my bed and reemerged with my nail polish. I spread out the colours and looked to Phil. He looked at them all for a moment and pointed to a Purple polish and a White Sparkly polish. I put all the other colours back into the box and got to work giving Phil and I matching manicures. I only ever did one hand at once for each, because that way we could still sign. 

After we had finished our date I returned to my bed to try to rest for a while. I pulled out my phone and played my relaxing slash sad songs to I would fall asleep quickly. Once I woke up It was dark and I was sore from all the rough roads we had driven over. I looked at my phone and it was three in the morning. We must have switched time zones again, because I felt like I had been asleep for a very long time. I rolled out of my bunk and padded into the living area of the bus. I looked over and saw Dad and Dan curled together on the couch. I wanted to run back to my bed to get away from Dan, but I was too thirsty. I needed water and fast. I slipped though the room as quietly as I could, never letting Dan out of my sight, I worked my way to the fridge and pulled out my water bottle. I downed almost the entire thing and refilled it, emptying it again. I refilled it a second time and replaced it in the fridge. I turned around and, much to my horror, saw that Dan had slipped in behind me and had been watching me. I almost screamed. Dan held up his hands, probably trying to show that he wasn't there to hurt me. 

"It's ok. I’m not here to hurt you. I just miss you. I want to be friends again. I'm sorry. you have no idea how sorry I am. about everything."

I warily stepped away from where I had jumped away from him. I looked to make sure Dan didn't have anything on him to hurt me. 

He doesn't mean it. If he was sorry he would show it better

What if he does mean it? You know It’s hard for some people to express things like that. 

But I’ve been hurt before, and I don't want it to happen a again. This is how people keep from getting hurt.

Just, this once, can you stop being so stubborn?! 

No. But I guess we could compromise. 

I stepped a tiny bit closer to Dan. {why? You could have stopped it. You could have fixed everything. You could have kept all this from happening, you know that?}

Dan furrowed his brow in concentration as he signed, slowly and poorly, {Slow…. I.. don’t know… big.. sign.. want…. help… you….} 

I looked at him with a mixture of surprise and skepticism. {Why?} I asked again. This time slower. Dan just looked confused. 

{W-H-Y-?} I spelled. 

{I know…. you.. are} he couldn't think of his next sign, instead he spelt it out, {H-U-R-T I-T-S my F-A-U-L-T} 

{how did you learn to sign? Why? Why do you care? Why don’t you just leave me alone?}

Again, he didn't know what I was saying. I looked around, still keeping Dan in my sight. I found what I wanted. Paper. 

‘Why do you want to help? You could have stopped this all from happening. This only happened because you were careless. You know that? How did I you learn to sign anyway?’

“I learned a little from watching you and Phil. Some from interpreters at panels. Other bits I just picked up here and there.” He explained, “It’s weird though, you and Phil use a combination of American and English sign, so I never know how to look up more, because I don’t know what you two will use for any given word.”

I nodded. I figured that was fair enough, but he could have asked to be taught, which I told him. he nodded, “I know, I was going to talk to Phil about it, but he fell asleep too fast…. what are you doing up anyway?”

‘I’m up at night a lot. Phil and I used to hang out at night because I don't sleep well. I haven't slept well in years.’

“Ah. Ok… umm… Thorn… I’ve noticed… I’ve noticed more than you think.. and… umm… I’m worried about you… “

I glared at him. What I do isn't his business. Whatever he, “notices” doesn't matter. He wasn't worried before when he let HER in. It’s all his fault. It’s all his fault. it’s all his fault IT’S ALL HIS FAULT!!!!

{Get away!!} I signed. I ran from the room and dove into my bunk. I cried into my pillow and pressed myself into the corner, wrapping myself tightly in my blankets and duvet. I didn't want him near me. I couldn't believe him! Right when he says I can trust him he goes and does something snake-like. Watching me all the time, “noticing” things. What was that supposed to mean?!?! I was scarred. I didn't know what to do. I was alone. 

All alone…


	17. Toronto

I was still shaking when Dad came to wake me up. I hadn't slept since I had run away from Dan, even though I was exhausted. It had been hours since I started panicking and I thought that I would either pass out or my heart would explode. The only question would be which option would come first. I felt the mattress shift under Dad’s weight as he crawled in with me. 

"Thorn, What's wrong? Dan said you've been shaking for a long time." 

This didn't help. I didn't want to hear anything about Dan right now, I just wanted to escape. I wanted everything to stop hurting. I wanted my body to stop shaking long enough for me to rest and catch up! 

"Heyheyhey, it's ok. I'm here. You're ok. You're safe. Come on, breathe in through your nose..... and out through the mouth..... in..... and out......."

Nothing was working! The longer I panicked the worse it got, and apparently I had been panicking for a very long time. I tried to breath. It only made things a little better. 

"That's it, you can do it. I know you can. You are amazing. You are wonderful. I love you. You are safe. I love you and-"

I turned around and latched onto Dad. I felt his arms wrap around me and I knew that, even if I died, I would be safe because he was holding onto me just as I held onto him. For life. I felt him run his hands through my hair. That felt nice. I focused on hearing and feeling Dad's breathing. The even pace the only stable thing around me. After a while I could feel The blankets wrapped around me. My heart still felt like it might explode from beating so hard for so long, but Dad was here and I was safe for now. 

"That's better."dad said. "How are you feeling now?"

{Tired. My chest hurts.} 

It did. So did my legs, they stung from what I did to them earlier. I didn't want to, but I felt like I needed to. I deserved it. 

"Here, let me help you. Let's unwrap you. It doesn't look so comfortable."

He helped me pull all but one of the blankets from around my body. I realized that the bus had stopped. We must have gotten to our next hotel. I looked out the window by my bed and I saw a big parking lot with a bunch of cars and busses parked all over. I tried to sit up more so I could get out of my bunk, but I couldn't. I fell back and started to shake a little bit again. Shit. Shitshitshit not again! I don't want to shake again!

"Heyheyhey, It's ok. Breath with me... You can do it... Come on... that's it, good job. Don't worry about standing up now. You've been shaking for a long time. I'll carry you in if you don't feel up to moving. Don't worry. You are safe."

I nodded. Phil slid under me and pulled us out of the bunk. He carefully maneuvered us out of the van and into the hotel. He was surprisingly un-klutzy while carrying me up the elevator into our room. I saw a beautiful window seat and looked to Dad, hopping that he would get the message. He did and gently set me in the window. I looked out the window and the beautiful city view. We must be in Toronto because I saw a bunch of Tim Horton's signs all over. I wished I could have some coffee. I wanted to have my drawing things even more so I could draw this beautiful scene before I forgot. I found myself forgetting things more and more now. I was broken from my train of thought by Dad clearing his throat. 

"Do you like it? I can get your drawing bag if you want."

I would love to draw. 

{Yes please...} 

Dad went to the side of one of the beds and got my art treasure trove. He placed the duffel bag on the seat next to me and opened the rectangular zip to let me have easy access to the supplies inside. I pulled out the black covered sketchbook that was set in the top resting on the boxes of pencils, markers, rulers, and other assorted tools. I gently spread the book on my lap and lifted the pages until I had arrived at a fresh, clean spread. I let my hand hover over the duffel bag’s open flap, deciding what to use. I moved my hand to a pencil case. It was a smooth, purple and grey, metal tin with a hinged lid. I smiled down at all of my classic, yellow pencils inside the tin. Before I started to sketch I looked over the scene, attempting to soak in every last detail before diving in and recreating the city line. Soon I had a basic outline down and retraced it on a separate spread, fading the image where the page spirals bound the book. I returned to my original sketch and began to shade and fill in the image. I only used my pencil, using various pressures and angels to create different textures and lines. As I filled in the last space of shading I looked up again to be greeted by a beautiful sunset, chalk full of colours. All the colours of the rainbow were thrown across the sky as if someone had shaken out a rainbow silk, letting it float across the sky and settling behind the buildings, just waiting to be taken up again in the future. As I finally wrenched my eyes away from the beautiful sight I pulled out lining pens and some alcohol markers. Before I forgot or lost the image, I snapped a picture, being sure that all the colours were vibrantly visible and the building corners were sharp. As my pen lined the building edges, I contemplated the exact marker colours I wished to use, consulting the colour sheet I had made to compare the colour on the marker lid to the actual colour the ink dried. The sound of my art being created blocked out all other sounds around me, the markers and lining pen making a music all their own that only I could hear. The gliding of markers upon the paper and the gentle, consistent flow of ink made the entire world seem to slow down and become peaceful. If only for a little while. 

 

She seemed so peaceful and content for once. She was just resting there in the window seat, recreating the city line before her. Not only in black and white, but also in colour. It amazed me how well she eased all the different shading hues in the black and white city from the same, ordinary pencil. I wish I hadn't made her so afraid of me. All I wanted in that very moment was to sit with her and watch, maybe even draw something myself. There were so many things I wanted to know that I wished to ask her. As I was lost in my wonderings, I felt Phil rest his hand on my shoulder. 

“If she sees you here she won’t be happy. We should let he be for a while. I want to talk about what happened some more. We can’t ignore this. I can’t just let her live in fear anymore. If she really was shaking since you found her, she would have been panicking for almost seven hours before I came to get her.”’

I nodded. “Ok. I want to fix this.” 

I couldn't stand seeing her like this all the time. I wanted to talk to her again, just like before. I wished she could trust me agian, be my child again, and not afraid of me anymore. I would do anything to regain the trust that I had lost. I really did love Thorn. I never meant to hurt her, but I wanted her to be close to the other people I loved. I followed Phil into the kitchenette to talk. 

“We can’t let this continue, Dan. We need to figure out how to fix this. I can’t see her like this. She’s miserable and afraid most of the time.”

I lent against the counter as Phil spoke. “I agree, but I don’t know how to fix this. I want to help, I really do, but I don’t know how. Do you, Phil?”

He seemed to deflate when he heard I didn't know what to do. 

“No.” he sighed, “I don’t really know what to do. I kinda feel like a failure as a parent.” Phil seemed as if he would start crying. I stood and wrapped my arms around him. 

“No. You've done fine, Phil. I’ve seen how you can calm Thorn down. She can be so scared and as soon as you go to her she calms right down. You've fed her and made sure she has ways to cope. She has a place to sleep and she feels safe around you. I doubt she feels safe around anyone else like she does around you. You're doing so well and don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

Phil sunk further into my arms, letting his tears soak through my shirt. What are we gonna do? We can’t let things stay this way. 

“Phil. It will be ok. We can work through this. We are going to make things better. We can make Thorn’s life better. You can be the perfect parent that you want to be.”

Phil shifted in my embrace, moving so we could look at each other better. I couldn't help but notice how close his lips were to mine. I could feel Phil’s breath against my cheek, I didn't mind feeling him so close to me. I let him continue crying until he was ready to continue talking again. 

“What if I can’t to do it?” Phil asked. “I’m not sure I can do this. What if she relapses? What if she did and felt like she couldn't tell me? I want to be there for her.”

He continued crying into my shirt after turning his head away from mine, trying to hide his tears. I turned his head back towards me, exposing his beautiful face. 

“Phil. You are wonderful. You are an amazing parent. You've done so much for Thorn. You are her protector and best friend. She can always come to you, if she doesn't I know you can ask her anything and she’ll be ok with it. You and Thorn have a special connection that I've never seen before.”

I pulled Phil into my chest and held him, letting him cry and pressing a kiss to his head. I couldn't stand seeing him like that. Phil never seemed this upset before. I understood that he loved Thorn, but I couldn't tolerate how sad he was. 

“Come here. It’s ok. I love you.” I continued to run my fingers through his hair and rubbing circles into his back. Phil looked up to me and pressed a kiss to edge of my jaw. 

“I love you too, Daniel.” He buried his head back into my chest, “Thank you.”

I rested my head on Phil’s and continued trying to comfort him. soon he had regained most of his composure and was willing to talk about possible ways to help Thorn. We decided that the first thing to do was make sure she found ways to cope that would work and not make things worse. The second was to focus on her eating. I had told Phil about her previously not eating while on the bus, he had also noticed. Once we had stabilized those actions for the most part we could focus more on getting her to trust me again, although we would be working on that a little bit throughout the entire process. It wasn't like I could just leave at this point because we were on tour, but there were ways to make things easier for all of us.   
I heard something coming from the main room. I turned to Phil, he heard it too. Phil walked out of the kitchenette, as he turned the corner I followed but at a distance just in case Thorn didn't want me near her. Phil was sitting with Thorn on the window seat. They looked like angels, with the sunset giving them rainbow auras against darker silhouettes. I watched Phil and Thorn sign, I only caught a few words… love… scared… home… want… girl… book… what were they talking about? I shouldn't snoop, but I wanted to know. 

 

I didn't realize I was humming, or that Dad had come to sit with me until the cushion moved under my legs. I looked up and saw him smiling, I wonder why he looked so happy. 

{What song Are you humming?} He asked.

{Lost Boy} I responded.

{I remember that one. Do you want to listen to it?}

{If it’s ok with you, I wouldn't mind.}

I didn't want to inconvenience Dad, but if he wanted to I definitely wouldn't mind hearing it again. Dad reached to the television stand and picked up his phone, scrolling through his music until he arrived at the song in question. As he pressed play all the memories came back to me. I remembered the girls at the orphanage, the times I felt lost, feeling like I was flying when I was with Dad, when I didn't want to live but tried hard enough to pull through for the most part. I put my drawing aside and crawled to Dad, curling up against his chest. I felt tears brewing in my eyes, one falling down my cheek and landing on my hand. Dad held me while running a hand through my hair and rubbing elaborate patterns across my back and shoulders. I wish things were simple, I wish I knew a way that Dan could prove to my mind that he was trustworthy again. 

“There. There.” Dad said. “Everything will be ok. I love you. We will work through this together. I promise.”

I was hungry, I wanted food. Being sad definitely made me more hungry than normal. 

{F-food?} I timidly signed, asking Dad for something to eat. 

She wanted food! That's fantastic! I supposed she was making progress, between being on the verge of singing, the most sound Thorn had made since the beginning of tour, and actually asking me for food. I nodded and kissed the top of her head.

“Of course, Lovey. Do you know what you want, or do you want to me to choose?” 

{Do we have cereal? I kinda want something with sugar… I-if that's ok…}

I wasn't surprised she wanted sugar. Something else with healthy sugars and protein would be good for her too. Maybe some milk, but little steps for right now. Wow, I could feel myself becoming more adultish by the second, that was kinda weird. 

“Of course. Will you come with me to the kitchen so you can choose which cereal you want?” 

{Ok.}

I stood up and helped her stand as well, however she almost immediately fell. I caught her and helped her again, her not being able to stand again. I decided to simply lift her like before. I should definitely be able to gain some muscles from all the lifting I was doing lately… as we wandered into the kitchen I placed Thorn on the countertop and reached to open the cabinet door to reveal boxes of cereal. She looked surprised to see more than one cereal box, probably because we were on tour. 

{Which one would you like, Lovey? You can choose any of them.}

She looked over them again, and again, and again. It was kinda cute seeing Thorn so surprised in a good way. I hope I can make her look that happy more often. She eventually pointed to Life cereal. I reached it down along with a paper bowl and metal spoon. I guessed she may as well be allowed to pour her own cereal, that way she could decide how much she wanted. I continued to find little things around the kitchen for her to be able to eat. Some milk, fruit, something here, something there. Eventually I had gotten her to eat a small amount of healthy food and she looked like she might pass out because she was so tired. 

{Are you tired, Little One?}

Thorn yawned and nodded her head as she held out her arms for me to carry her. I reached down and carefully wrapped my arms around her, making sure she was comfortable. I carefully set her down on her bed and sat next to her, running my fingers through her hair. Thorn fell asleep almost immediately after I lay her down.


	18. Two Ways to Cope Arise

“She's beautiful…”

Dan looked at Thorn with such loving eyes, but there was sadness in them too. I sighed and let my head droop. 

“Yes, she really is.” Then, “I’m exhausted. I’m gonna get ready for bed, I don’t think I can stay awake any longer.” 

“I will too. It’s been a long day for everyone, Phil.”  
Dan came behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled his head against me.  
“I’m glad we can finally rest now.”  
“Me too.”  
Dan nudged my shoulder with his head before he let go of me to get ready for bed. We had a show tomorrow so we should have been in bed a while ago. I got changed and crawled into the bed next to Thorn’s. Soon I felt Dan get in and wrap his arms around me again. I reached up to turn out the light; soon turning back and pressing my head against Dan’s chest, listening to his heart and his breathing. Everything will turn out ok. I know it will.

I woke up to Dan holding onto Dad. Not cool. What if Dan turns Dad against me too?! Shit. I felt my hands start so shake. No! Shitshitshit! Not again! I needed to calm down. I slipped out of my bed and crumpled to the floor. Crap. I hope they didn't hear me. I waited for a millisecond before crawling to my art bag, shaking more by the second. I grasped the zip and practically ripped open the top, rummaging as quietly as I could while trying not to cry. I couldn't believe Dad would let this happen! He's supposed to love me! Now he's been taken under Dan’s spell. I was on my own again. I found what I was looking for. I pulled out my small makeup clutch and swiftly dug to the bottom, where I found the small box I always had with me. I scurried to lean against the wall where it met my bed. This way Dad wouldn't see me. I let the coolness glide across my skin. Soon my collar had gashes stretching towards my shoulder. It wasn't enough. Just one more. Two wasn't that many. Four is an ok number. Ten is a classic. Wishing on eleven. Fourteen must be double the luck of seven. Fifteen isn't that much more than fourteen. Sixteen is how old I'll be soon. Eighteen. Twenty. Shit. Well, at least I'd stopped shaking, but blood ran down my chest and arms. My hand must have had blood on it too because my leg had a red handprint on it. I stowed my relief and ran to the bathroom. I jumped into the shower so it would hurt more. Anything to distract me. Red kept coming and running down the drain, not stopping for a bit. Eventually I got out and wrapped my entire chest and torso, not caring if I crushed my ribs. Blood still persisted though. I pressed a washcloth against my front, trying to make it stop. My head had started to hurt and I had to sit down. It stopped after a while, but the room spun for a bit afterwards anyway. I threw on my tank top and peaked out to make sure Dad wasn't awake yet. He wasn't and I crept out and slipped into an oversized sweatshirt. I gathered the bloodstained cloths and slipped out of the room to look for the maids cart to dump my evidence into. 

I returned to the room before Dan or Dad woke up, which was good because I didn't want to have to explain where I was or why I was in a giant sweater in the middle of summer. I could technically put on a short sleeved shirt, but I was too tired to care right then. Instead I sat in the window and plugged in my headphones to my phone and listened through one ear, so I could hear if anyone moved. I must have fallen asleep because I heard Dad trying to wake me up. I lifted my head from the window frame and pried my eyes open to see Dad on the foot of my bed. I looked around frantically, {where is Dan!?} I couldn't see him, what did he do while I was asleep?!

{it's ok, Love.} signed Dad, {Dan just went to the venue to set up for our show today. Everything is ok.} 

No it wasn't, my whole body throbbed from earlier. I slowly nodded my head as I woke up some more. I gently sat up, holding back hisses of pain as my core and shoulders shifted, probably knocking my gashes again.  
{are you hungry?} asked Dad. I could see that he wanted me to eat again, but I felt too shity to eat right now.  
{Not now. Sorry.} I replied  
{it's ok} he said, but I could tell he was disappointed. His shoulders fell a little bit and he looked down in a mini defeat. Jeez, it's just one meal, not that big a deal, Dad.  
{what's on the agenda today?} I asked.  
{well we have a show. Then we are on the move again, but we have some time after the show to relax a little bit before we go. We could go out or something. There is a swimming pool downstairs. A mall a few blocks away. Restaurants are on every block here. Or we could stay in. You can chose. I just want to go with you so I know you're safe.} he smiled at me which made me feel a bit better. I looked out at the city line. I had an idea.  
{actually, I have an idea, but I'll need your help.} I was really excited about this idea. I hoped Dad would go along with me on this one. He must have seen how excited I was because he responded immediately!  
{sure, what's cooking in that head of yours?}


	19. The Remainder of Tour

Two hours later and I was in the changing room listening to music and planning the layout of my own merch website while Dad and Dan put on the show. The skyline was so pretty at the hotel that I wanted to sell some prints of pictures I had taken. I had enough cool pictures from our trip so far that I could make some postcard sets or something. Dad said my art was good enough to sell too if I wanted. I wasn't so sure about that, but it probably wouldn't hurt to have options. I didn't really expect anyone to buy anything, but it was something to do, and it could be fun. By the end of the show I had drawn my own logo and decided on a colour scheme. The center of the page would be white with a thick, ombré, purple, border. Each item would have a small display with a black box around it, which I really liked. The banner across the top of the page had my logo and an email address that I would have to set up. Soon my shop was set up and ready to take orders. Dad said he knew who to talk to to get my prints done on time and with impeccable quality. I had around twenty items set up; Some prints in a series from around America, five in a set and three sets available along with single order options; then I had some art prints available, mostly of random sketches in my sketchbook; and I had some posters for sale that Dad said he could sign. I asked Echo if she would want to possibly have a section of my website to sell her merch in, seeing as I had room for a red and black layout and her merch too. Her and Dad talked about how any revenue would be split, even though I said I didn't want any because I liked having her around and on my website anyway. Echo insisted that I keep at least some money because of the exposure, so Dad figured that out with her.

I was shocked after I had tons of orders in just two days after my launch. I had seen that Dad had tweeted about this cool new website he liked and wanted everyone to check out. Soon all the youtubers were tweeting about my shop and asking to have an affiliation because they all loved it!! I decided to talk to a few people and I made a poster collection. One with Zoe, Rachel Levine, Wengi, and Louise on it. Another had some gamers, one with comedians, and some others. People loved the store and I kept selling out! I never thought I would get more than around fifty visits, but now I had millions of products being made and shipped around the world. Dad sat me down around two weeks after it actually became big and helped me set up a bank account. The first deposited was way over ten thousand American dollars, which was way more money than I could ever remember having to myself. I couldn't believe people actually liked what I was putting out, and not just the youtube merch, which I made a separate section completely with it’s own layout after only a few days. The art was actually pretty big too. The city line I had made at that show just a few weeks ago was a best seller! I realized how much I was making off of this stuff and immediately sat down at the buss table and made a financial planner. I defiantly wanted to donate to charities and funds. I saved most of the money, but there was still a considerable amount left! Every time we reached a new tour destination I found inspiration for at least four new products, even though I didn't want them to all launch at once. I made collections and series that could launch and make people smile. That was definitely the very best part of the entire ordeal, I would get tweets and emails all the time about how people were so happy about what I was putting out. One guy even wanted to ask me out because He thought I was, “Crazy talented and inspirational!” I didn't like that so much though. I enjoyed seeing people take pictures with their merch and smiling much more than people sending me fan mail. I found pictures of so many happy people and I could not believe I had made them happy with some crappy little doodles. 

Dad got me a fancy new business organizer to celebrate, even though I told him I didn't want anything, he insisted. I was worried that I would be putting myself in danger however. I wasn't even supposed to be in pictures with Dad, and now my products were being sold around the world. I would lay awake sometimes, remembering what people told me when I was little, “you aren't safe here.” “we need to re-locate you for your own safety.” “Just… don't get found this time. Ok?” “You can't stay in America anymore. You need to go somewhere else so you stay safe.” On those nights I would crawl into bed with Dad and try not to cry. I knew I would not be exposed by my website, because I never showed my face and I used a pseudonym, but I was still worried sometimes. 

Before I knew it, the tour was almost over and we would be returning home soon. We had seen so many of my YouTube idols, and I even made a few friends on the way. Kendyl was the makeup person for most of our trip. She taught me how to actually use makeup. Sharon worked in the tech crew and showed me how to do some spiffy computer magic before each show… and we may have pulled some shenanigans during our time backstage. She came from London too, so I would be able to see her once we all went home, unlike the other people on tour with us. Echo, Sharon, and I all promised to get together once things calmed down and do some artsy shtuffs. By the time tour was actually over and we were packing up to go home, I was so tired that I didn’t even care about the flight home. I just wanted to sleep in my own bed and shower in my own bathroom. I was incredibly happy for the majority of tour, but I could not wait to go home. Things were really looking up for once, but I wanted to go to where everything was familiar and friendly. My birthday was coming in a few months and I wanted to do something special for my sweet sixteen. Not for me, but for everyone else. I wasn't sure what though. I knew Dad wasn't expecting anything to happen, because I'd always asked to not acknowledge my birthday if we could help it. The most I'd allowed was a small gift or something in between videos and projects, and only if no one would see. 

We landed back in London and Dad had to practically drag me up the stairs and into the apartment because I was so tired. I'm pretty sure I slept for about two days before I was ready to human again.


	20. Sharon Exists

Seeing Thorn find something she was passionate about while Dan and I were on tour made me so incredibly happy and proud. She would walk around with a giant smile on her face and tell me all about her new ideas and inspirations. At first I just kept record on how much she was making and kept that in my own bank account so she would be safe, but soon it got too much and we set up her own account While we were on tour, Thorn had made friends with a small youtuber and one of the girls on our tech set. Seeing her make friends was such a relieving and awesome experience. Dan and I had worried that she wouldn't make friends because we hadn't put her in school yet since we were going on tour and she basically home schooled herself. We just filled out the paperwork so she could homeschool and made sure she was fulfilling the requirements. Seeing her thrive made Dan and I so happy that it reflected in our videos too. 

Thorn’s sweet sixteen was coming up soon and I wanted to do something for her, seeing as she had made us ignore her birthday previously. I wanted to figure out a good middle ground that would mean I could do something for her and she wouldn't feel guilty about me going out of my way to make her happy. I talked to Dan about it and we agreed that some small gifts probably wouldn't hurt. We had been discussing finding a new flat soon anyway, but I thought the transition would be too much for Thorn right after going on tour for so long. We had also arranged an Australian tour and that had to be taken into account when figuring out when we could move. With everything going on all at once I worried about Thorn’s mental health as well. Tour was draining for anyone, let alone a developing teenager with a disturbing past, but she seemed to be coping quite well with her art and new found friends. For her birthday I talked to Sharon, who was turning out to be really close to Thorn, and we decided to have the smallest birthday party ever. Of course I ran this all by Thorn so it wouldn't be a surprise or anything. I knew she hated surprises and I didn’t blame her. Sharon had told Thorn about an open mic at one of the local coffee shops and had started taking Thorn every friday night to go listen to music and spoken word, which meant that Dan and I had some time alone every week, which was really nice. Thorn started making friends at the mics and communicated with them almost constantly. I was thrilled to see her opening up even if it was only a little bit. I was always nervous seeing her go out each night, not knowing what would happen while she was out, but I trusted Sharon. Sharon and I actually went back a little bit before our tour. I had signed up for a class to learn more about youtube algorithm and marketing. When I arrived Sharon was a tiny bean!! We talked a bit because I didn't know anyone else there since I hadn't been making videos for long and lived in the middle of no where. Sharon impressed me with her knowledge of editorial programs and techniques, half of which she had invented. I moved to take my seat as the class began, however when the projector lit up the front of the room, I noticed this tiny child running the programs and presenting her own section! Sharon had coordinated the entire class, but had to have adults do the speaking for her because no one would listen to a young girl from London. After that we kept in touch and over the years we had become close friends and even coworkers at times. I invited her to work on our tour since she knew everything there was to know about computers and how to make everything run smoothly. I never thought Thorn and Sharon would become so close. Sharon had apparently picked up sign, even though I didn't know where she had done so. I was relieved Thorn would have someone else to talk to and learn from. Variety is the spice of life after all. Dan and I still had to work on how to help Thorn. She wouldn't go near him yet, although her mental health had seemed to come leaps and bounds with the launch of her website and the introduction of new friends and hobbies. I supposed having something important to do helped her in some way. I didn't understand why having more stress factors made her happy, but they didn't even seem to stress Thorn. I never will understand females. 

Sharon had been taking me to open mics every friday evening. I loved going to see all the new ideas being bounced around the room and meeting people who could improve my own understanding of the world around me. Sharon introduced me to her girlfriend who was one of the sweetest people ever. Even though she could come off as a colossal bitch at first, she actually cared a lot about people and her passions, which didn't consist of beating anyone up! The three of us all loved learning, music, reading, and writing. Sharon and her girlfriend, Hannah, were published authors and online writers. Sharon wrote sci-fi and technical books. Hannah had actually written a best seller self help book, although that wasn't her favourite. Hannah’s favourite published work was what sharon called, “A Gay Drama”, it was just a teen romance, but with a queer couple instead of an all straight cast. Echo came to the open mic sometimes after she had moved to london, but since she was trying to youtube and collage at the same time she didn't come every week. Soon the small coffee shop hidden in london became our regular hang out. I felt like I had fallen into a utopian world. I was making enough money off my store that I wouldn't have any financial worries for a very long time, I had made friends in unlikely places, I was adopted by a wonderful and caring father, and to top it all off my friends and I had a (relatively) secret hangout that we could go to any time we wanted! The only thing missing was a significant other, but I didn't care because I wasn't looking for love. I didn't want to worry about pleasing someone like that or having the stress of a relationship, so I was as happy as a clam. Well… a clam that had mental disorders. I definitely still had bad days, and my problems didn't magically disappear, but I had ways to cope and friends to help me. I still struggled to stop hurting myself, but at least I saw that what I was dealing wasn't normal and definitely wasn't healthy. However I was living my best life so far and I felt like nothing could take that away. Soon Sharon was helping me to write my own spoken word, even though I didn't perform, I loved writing and showing her how it should look. Signed poetry was different than spoken word, although it was still technically in the same genre. The way my hands moved made the rhyme scheme instead of the sound of my voice. At that point I didn't know if I could even remember how to speak well anymore. I didn't really care, because I had found where I belonged and I felt welcome without my words. People loved me for who I was, whether I was speaking, or non-speaking. 

I was at the shop long enough that I had made friends with the employees and was offered a job. Even if I didn't speak, the people who came here were all cool enough to already know sign, so I was safe from not being able to communicate. I thought about it, but asked to be a volunteer instead because of Dad’s work schedule and stuff. We were probably going to travel a lot and I didn't want to have to put an employer through the haste of figuring out hours for a traveling employee. I was technically allowed to keep any tips I got, but I wound up giving most of them to people I saw who looked like they could use it. Performers who were struggling, homeless people I saw on the way to the shop, I even slipped some into Sharon and Hannah’s bags so they would have the positive experience of finding, “forgotten” cash in their stuff. I knew they were saving up for cars and collages, so I figured that since I was well of with my website and the help I knew Dad would insist upon me, that I could help out my friends too. Soon Sharon introduced me to some new people from her school and I became one of the girls. The only problem was that I wasn't sure I wanted to be one of the girls. I had heard about people who were transgender, but I knew that wasn't me. But I definitely didn't feel like a normal girl. I thought really hard about cutting my hair short, but instead I learned how to pin it up and under a floppy hat most of the time, which definitely helped with the London heat, but also with the feeling of being in the wrong body. I could remember feeling out of place since I was very young. I tried to rip of my chest once because I didn't want to be a girl and having boobs was what girls did when they got older. Eventually I accepted my fate and tried to forget the feeling of disbelonging from when I was younger. But now that I was around people who were willing to talk about things like gender and sexuality, I was learning about new ways to express myself and who I was inside. I asked one of the non-binary people at the shop and they talked to me about what it’s like being non-binary. I thought about what they said for a long time and did some of my own research. I didn't tell anyone else what I was doing though. Sharon didn't have to know, and neither did Hannah. They'd just tell me some cheesy shit about how they love me for whoever I was and that I was perfect the way I was. Bullshit. 

Weeks went by and a new kid started to show up at the shop. His name was Dom and he loved having heated debates about anything. Dom just loved making people feel inferior and like they didn't belong. Eventually Dom became a regular at the shop and started flirting with anyone and everyone there. He made the mistake of trying to flirt with Sharon once. Hannah made sure that didn't happen again, although sharon made Hannah promise not to literally kill the kid. And kid he was. Dom acted like an anxious thirteen-year-old, even though he was seventeen. No one really liked him and the managers all told him to calm down and be respectful of the other patrons, but he never listened. Soon fewer and fewer people wanted to create new and thought-provoking material because they all knew that the new kid would make their life hell, no matter what they did. Soon Dom started to become genuinely aggressive. He would shout at people and get so angry I thought he would punch someone or something. When he started to get like this whichever manager was on shift would escort him to the door while Sharon held me. The outbreaks really scared me and i had to consider not coming to the shop sometimes because I would be so anxious. On those days Hannah and Sharon would stick close to me and do everything they could to make me feel safe. After Dom’s fourth escort the police were called on him. Dom wasn't allowed to return to our shop and Hannah made the point very clear to him that if he ever came near Sharon or me that she would break her promise to Sharon and legitimately kill him. “If you ever come near my family again,” That's what we were at that point, a family, “I put you through enough pain to make you wish I had killed you the first time. And don’t think you'll be going out with a pulse.” I had never seen Hannah so mad and I hoped to never see it again. “It’s ok, Honey Bunches.” She reassured me, “He is never going to hurt you now. You're safe. I won't hurt you. I know I looked scary, but I love you and I’ll never hurt you.” She held Sharon and I close. All three of us slept over at Hannah’s that night. After a while things seemed to go back to normal again. The shop started to thrive with creativity and passion again, Dom wasn't seen around anymore, and everyone seemed happy. 

I walked into the flat one night and was greeted with seeing Dan asleep on the couch. This wasn’t especially unusual, but as I walked up the stairs to my room I heard sobbing coming from the gaming room. I continued up the stairs and peeped through the slightly opened door. I saw Dad crying on the floor. His cheeks had tears streaming down his face and his eyes were all red. I turned from the sight and silently sprinted down the stairs and into the kitchen. I quickly made the same tea Dad always made me when I wasn’t up to par. I also quickly picked up the biscuit tin on my way out the door. Biscuits had never made a situation worse, so it was worth a shot. On my way back up to Dad I quickly pulled his favourite blanket from his bed and continued my way up the stairs with my comfort101 starter pack. I gently pushed the door to the gaming room open enough to squeeze in with the blanket and comfort food. Gently placing the tea and tin on the desks, I draped Dad’s blanket over him and guided him from the floor to the red couch against the wall. I placed his head on one of the yellow pillows and moved the food from the desks to a side table by the couch. I moved to hold Dad while he cried. It broke my heart seeing him like this and I wasn’t sure what to do except let him cry while rubbing his back and carding my fingers through his hair. After some time crying, Dad sat up a bit and held me in an embrace. I let him hold me while he regained some of his composure. I gently unwound his arms from around me to give him some tea, and biscuits. I wanted to tell him everything would be ok, but I couldn't because I didn't remember how to speak anymore. Instead I just kept handing Dad biscuits and making more tea until he fell asleep on the couch, wrapped up in his blanket. It hurt seeing him so torn up. I didn't even know why he was so upset, but I suspected it had something to do with Dan because he was on the couch and Dad was not in his own room. I gathered the leftovers and dishes to take down to the kitchen. As I silently washed the dishes I found myself contemplating what could have happened while I was gone. I heard Dan start to move as I was about to finish washing the last mug. I quickly spun around and saw him roll off the couch and stumble up the stairs, revealign an empty liquor bottle in his wake. Without moving, I listened attentively to the floorboards as he moved. Dad was safe. Dan had gone into the bathroom and then into his room. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. Turning back to the sink, I completed the dishes and wearily walked back to my room. I trudged across the floor and flopped onto my bed, happy to finally be able to rest for a while. I wrapped myself into my blankets and drifted into a welcome sleep, finally able to ignore the world around me for just a little bit. 

I awoke to my phone going off near my head. I slapped it hoping to turn off the alarm. I rolled back over and curled into my comforter. I wanted to relive and continue my dream. It was a lovely dream about me and this girl. We were off on an adventure and wound up falling in love. I wished life was that easy. I wish the world didn't make love that hard and I wasnt forced to decide whom I was so quickly. But hey. Nothing is perfect. My phone kept going off, although I could have sworn I had turned off my alarm. I looked over and Dan’s number flashed across the screen. The bastard. He knew I couldn't talk anymore. I kicked my phone over the side of my bed as all the events of last night flooded over me again. I took care of Dad last night, now it was time for me to be weak. I crawled out of my bed and lumped into my bathroom where I had my little wooden box. I had seen Dad hurt and sobbing. Dom had been making life at the shop hell a while ago and my anxiety still haven't relaxed from some of the things he had said and done. Dan never left us alone. I wasn’t good enough to keep things from getting worse. I would be better off alone or dead or something. I found relief from each of these pressures in my own blood. My chest and stomach had been growing more and more littered with pain made visible, although i had been getting better since tour and the release of my web shop. Wrapping myself I made my way into my room again to dress. I wanted to get out of the house again. I texted Sharon and asked if she had any ideas for something to do out of the house. She responded that her and Hannah were going to go and look at some dogs at an adoption center if I wanted to come with and help. I accepted the invitation and slipped down stairs. I peeped around the corner to see Dan leaning against the kitchen door frame, making it impossible to sneak around him. Dad must have still been asleep upstairs because I hadn't seen him yet. I reached into my jeans pocket and found a coin. I flicked it around the corner and into the kitchen, dristacting Dan long enough for me to slip by him unnoticed. I pulled the hood on my jumper over my head as I plunged out into the rainy London streets, not caring that my jumper was the only thing between me and the rain.


	21. Mumternal Instincts

Thorn had texted me right as I was ordering my starbucks for the morning. She had wanted something to get her out of the house, which wasn’t especially surprising, given that she was still wary of Dan. Hannah and I were going to go and look at some service dogs for Thorn because we had noticed her increased anxiety and PTSD were giving her some really really bad panic attacks. I had talked to Phil and he agreed that a service dog would probably be beneficial to Thorn’s health. Her panic attacks had to be curbed. Thorn could just be sitting with me at my place and she would vigourusy shake and run to hide in a corner before I could help. I had had training in mental health first aid and general psychology, but there was only so much I could do in such a short time span. Hannah was excellent with Thorn, but Hannah was staring to get extreamly busy with collage applications and such and I knew I would also be busy in the near future, with moving out of my parent’s house and into my own, along with duel-majoring and hopefully finding a job. Phil was also slightly paranoid about Thorn going out by herself in such a big city, so he wanted to make sure her canine companion would also be trained to protect Thorn. Plus her fear of Dan and other people Dan introduced into Thorn’s life was a thing. So when Thorn texted me asking for something to busy herself, I immediately called up Hannah and asked if it would be chill with her if Thorn came with us to look at her potential new bestest friend in the entire universe.   
“Hey, Hon. could Thorn come with us to look at the puppers? She’s looking for something to get her out of the house again.” I knew Hannah would be chil and all, but I figured it would be fair enough to give her some warning instead of springing it on her out of the blue.   
“Sure. Let’s keep the specifics relatively secret though. I don't think Phil has told her yet. Plus she might not agree to going if she knew it was for her.” Thorn didn't let anyone do things for her of she could help it. She even asked Phil to let her pay for her own flight back to London from the tour, which Phil obviously didn’t let her do.   
“Fair memes.” I replied with my standard response to everything.   
“Here’s your drink miss.” Droned the barista. She always looked so miserable and just so done with her job.  
“Thanks!” I responded, slightly tipping my phone from my face as to keep Hannah from getting confused.   
“Are you still there? Or did you get distracted agian? I swear if you are trying to talk and get your starbucks at the same time I might scream. You know you can’t human before your coffee!” Hannah clearly knew me too well….  
“Maaaayyyybeeeee……… Oh come on! It was important!”  
I heard hannah sigh on the other end. “Not as important as you not tripping over your own feet agian. It could have waited a minute until you were safely on a couch and had at least a sip of coffee.”  
“What’s that?” I cheakily asked as I sat down on the starbucks couch. “ I couldn't hear you over my coffee slurping.”   
“Text our child and let her know she’s coming to look at puppers with us. And drink your coffee. I don't want to have to deal with no-coffee-Sharon combined with oh-my-gosh-puppers-Sharon again. I’ve done that once and once was enough, thank you very much.”  
I giggled into my coffee straw. “Ok, Hon. I’ll see you in a few. Love you!”  
“I love you too.”   
“Bye.”  
“Bu-bye.”  
I hung up and promptly texted Thorn, asking if she wanted to look at the dogs and wether or not she’d want a ride.   
SL: Hoi, doth thou desire to gaze upon doges? Thy Motherum and I are going to ye olde adoption centere if thou doth wish to tageth along. I can giveth thou a right if thy wisheth it.  
T: I’d love to come look at puppers. Where is the adoption center?   
I pulled up the contact in my phone and shared it with Thorn, so she could have the address and number and shizz.  
SL: *shared contact* There you go, Kiddo. Seriously though, I don’t mind giving you a ride at all. I’ll bring you Starbucks.   
T: Nonono, that's ok. I could use a walk. Besides I’m not hungry.  
SL: If you're sure then. Your Mom and I are planning on showing up around eleven-Ish, soooo…. around an hour or so from now.   
T: Okey dokey. I’ll see you there then.   
T: ...Thanks.  
SL: No need to thank me. The pleasure is all mine little lady. <3 <3  
I switched my phone to sleep mode and finished my coffee while reading some random magazines on the table nearby. I wondered how Thorn was going to get to the center. She said she would walk, but it was quite a ways and I knew she hated using the tunnel because of how small and tight it could get. I guessed she could take the bus, seeing as it was one of her favourite things. But that still didn't make me feel any easier about things. I logged onto my phone again and pulled up my tracking program I made. I only used it in emergencies, or when Hannah lost her phone and needed help finding it agian. With my program I could track any phone I had the number to. I quickly punched in Thorn’s number and watched her phone travel at a steady pace towards the bus stop. But soon things stared to look funny. Too funny. I was used to Thorn and her strange habits, but this was excessive, even for her, and it just felt wrong. I called Hannah back.


	22. Trouble Is Back

After Sharon had given me the address for the center I put my phone away and headed for the bus station. I liked riding the bus, though I couldn't explain why. I hopped on the bus and swiped my oyster card, moving to hold onto a pole. I was quite happy, enjoying my bus ride when I heard a voice that sent shivers up and down by spine.   
“Hey, Slut! I bet that isn't the only pole you hold onto! How about you hold mine, Hu? It's bigger than that tinny thing.”  
It was Dom. And this time he wasn’t alone. Him and around five other teens were sitting in the back to the bus, watching me.   
“Hey! Leave the girl alone! She’s done nothing to you and you aren't one to criticize her. You clearly don’t know what you are talking about, so fuck off, before I make you seriously regret your decisions.” Another bus patron spoke up on my behalf. They seamed slightly familiar to me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on where they were from. Their face was framed with long brown hair with dreadlocks hidden randomly throughout their hair, and striking green eyes that could kill a man by themselves. They were tall, and were wearing pride colour scheme bracelets along with black framed glasses. I nodded my thanks to the brave passenger and looked back down at my shoes. Dom walked over to me and leaned against the pole I was using for support, clearly not done with me yet.   
“Hey, look at me, slut. What's the big idea? Getting your friend here to protect you? You're just a pussy who can’t take care of herself. You don’t even talk. No threat. I could just take you home with me and.. take care of you myself…” He reached over to me and stroked my cheek, pulling my chin closer to him, bringing my eyes to his level.  
“That’s it, my whore. Look at me. See something you like?” He asked, flexing his other arm.   
“Leave Thorn alone, Dom!! You know she doesn't talk. But that doesn't mean you can be an ass about it." Them stepped between Dom and myself, "She isn't your whore. Thorn is not a whore, or a slut, so back off. NOW!!”   
Whomever this other person was, they knew my name, so we had to have met before. They also knew Dom’s name, so they were probably from the coffee shop.   
“Shut up, You! Don’t get in my way.” Dom spat,“ I showed you once, or have you forgot your lesson? Do I need to teach you again?” He started to reach for the other passenger, but they reached out and grabbed Dom’s arm, twisting it behind him, pinning him against the bus wall.   
“Stay away from both of us.” They whispered into his ear, “Or I’ll make you wish you were never born. Got it, Scum bag?”  
Dom just laughed, “look who’s gotten feisty now? Last I remember you were quite the submissive one.” A smirk slid across his face.   
“Hey! Quiet down back there, no fighting on my bus, you hear?” The bus driver looked pissed at us. He looked right at me and scowled. “Just give the guy what he wants. You aren't that important you know. Just get off my buss. All of you.”  
He pulled over and opened the door. The other boys got off, but Dom, the other Passenger that stood up for me, and myself stayed on. I couldn't believe what the driver had said. I wasn’t going to just let Dom have his way with me! That was just messed up!   
“Go on! Git!” He swatted at the three of us.  
“With pleasure.” Dom replied, smirking at me.

Before I could stop him he had grabbed my arm and was pulling me off the bus with him. I tried to yell for help but I couldn't. I turned to Dom as he pulled me down an alley way and I bit him. Hard. He hissed and slapped me across my face.   
“If you do that agian you'll get something much worse, Bitch.” He responded, rubbing his arm where I had bitten him. “Come on, Slut. Let's see what you can do. I lost your little friend already, so we don’t have to worry about being interrupted by them.”  
He continued with me through some twists and turns until we were far away from where I knew. He suddenly stoped and pressed me against a brick wall. Hard. Holding my hands above my head with one arm, he pinned my body against the wall with his own, sticking his free hand in my back pocket, pulling out my phone and turning it all the way off and throwing it away.   
“No one will find you now. You're all mine.” He grinned.


	23. Rape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So i have been debating how much of this chapter to post because I am not sure how well I wrote it. I may publish the entirety of the chapter in the future, but for now all you need to know its that Dom rapes Thorn in an alleyway and she gets really beat up and hurt. Ok, you may now continue.

Sitting up Dom roughly pushed me off of him and onto the hard, gross black-top. I felt my body scrape and cut into the ground as I was kicked in the gut, breaking open any wounds that had previously remained closed.  
“Scum.” Dom spat at me, got dressed, and walked away. Meanwhile I lay on the ground. Shivering. Bleeding. And not sure what to do. I would have tried to dress myself if I could move, or see far enough to find my clothes. They probably wouldn't even do any good at that point. Given they were thrown into a muddy puddle while it was raining. It was still raining. ‘Phone…… I need my phone….’ Now here did Dom, that freak, throw it? I thought I remembered hearing it thud against metal. I looked around me, attempting to take in everything I could and assess my situation, as pitiful as it seamed. I could tell from the dark patches dancing in front of my eyes that I would be uncountious soon, and the pool of blood around me probably wasn’t helping my case in any way, shape, or form. As I serveyed the area, I saw two dumpsters and multiple steel doors. My phone had probably collided with one of those objects, rendering the clanking sound. My clothes where in a puddle of mud, which was reflecting colours, undoubtedly from the vast amount of chemicals in it. I voted to try and lift myself from the ground, however that failed miserably, resulting in more scrapes and bruises. Ditching that, I used what energy I could muster to reach towards the closest dumpster. I could reach the edge of the sourounding trash, but I couldn't see my phone anywhere. My vision was rapidly decreasing and I knew I wouldn't be awake much longer, but if I could turn my phone back on, Sharon would probably track it when I wouldn't show up for puppies. If I could actually use the phone before I passed out, I could actualy call someone for help. Wait. Who could I call? I was raped. Now a slut. Who would want to help now? I wasn’t strong enough. No. just find the phone, then worry about that. But it was true. No. yes. No. yes. No. YES. NO. I couldn't breathe. I felt my body curl and scrape, scratching at my skin. I felt the sun come out. Fucking bitch. Now it’s sunny and hot. Couldn't the sun see what just happened?!?! Did the sun not even care?!?! Probably not. I hear someone walking towards me, then running. ‘No… nonononono… not again…. please… I can't…’ I clutched my knees against my bare chest. ‘Please… no…’ I couldn't see. I felt my eyes close. I was gone. 

I saw that poor excuse for a boy drag Thorn off of the bus and down an alley. I knew the alley lead to a maze that only the gangs knew how to navagate. I swore I would never go back there. But I had to do something. That was Thorn Dom was dragging behind him! ‘Ohfuckit..’ I thought, ‘I’ll just go for it then. She’ll never know how much I care about her anyway.’ Plunging into the maze after Dom, I raced after him, trying to listen to any sounds he made as to follow. However a long clap of thunder rolled in and I lost him… and Thorn…. “I swear if I ever get my hands on you, Dom! I know what you're trying to do!” I listened, but he was too far and the rain was too loud. I trudged back to the opening of the alley and thought for a moment. I should get help. Whom should I reach out to? I had to be careful with this. Thorn wasn’t the first person Dom had done this to. I knew I couldn't stop him alone. Len would know what to do. They were like a parent to my friend group and I trusted them. 

SB: LEN!!!!

LG: What?? What happened?

SB: Dom! He’s back!! He took her! He took Thorn! 

SB: They are in the waze what do I do?!?!

SB: I tried to follow him but then the thunder came and I lost them I swear if anything  
happens to Thorn I’ll never forgive myself. 

SB: It’s all my fault I couldn't stop him again!!

LG: hon, breathe. Please breathe with me.

LG: in…. and out…. 

LG: Can you do that for me?? Breathe?

SB: Ok. I’ll work on that soon. But what about Thorn?!

SB:You know how I feel about her! 

SB: I can’t let that happen to her!!

LG: I’m coming, don’t worry. I’ll be there soon. 

LG: I know how much you love Thorn, but right now you have to take care of yourself too. 

LG: I’ll bring clothes too. Jumper and sweats?

SB: hurry! I’m at the buss entry to the waze. 

SB: And yes. She’ll probably need them. 

SB: Bandages too please. 

SB: The good ones. 

LG: Ok, Hon. Now, please take care of yourself while I’m on my way. You can’t help Thorn if you are in shambles. 

SB: Ok. If I have to and if it'll help Thorn. 

LG: Thank you, Hon. I’ll be there soon. Don’t worry. We’ll take care of this.

SB: Thakn you so much, Len. <3 <3

I put my phone away and willed myself to calm down. I never had physical signs of my panic except for my eye colour, but I sure as hell could feel the internal turmoil my body was going through. I focused on what I would need to do, retracing the waze in my mind. The waze was a gigantic group of alleys in London that the gangs all faught over and used to get around without getting caught by authorities. However it wasn’t uncommon for newbies and airheads to get a swipe of another gang member’s knife if they weren't paying attention and always alert. I still had my scar from my newbie swipe. I had also given many a newbie their first swipes too. I was deadly fast, still was. But now I had left the gang and was living a new life, one I would be willing to share with someone and not worry about them getting hurt becuase of me. I lent on the wall in the inside of the ally while I waited for Len to arrive.


	24. Mum to the Rescue... Kind of

I called Hannah as soon as Thorn’s movements became strange. Hannah answered as she walked into the shop, so instead of talking on the phone she just sat down and looked over my shoulder. “What's up, Hon?” She asked as she flopped her head on my shoulder, letting her hair fall over my head.   
“It’s Thorn.” I answered quickly, not breaking my glare at my laptop, “She’s in trouble. I pinged her phone and-” I stopped short as I lost her signal. “That’s not possible!” I stared to freak out more, Hannah having to litteraly hold me to her so I didn't draw too much attention. “What isn’t possible, Sharon? Talk to me, Hon. Breathe….” I took a breath and recompiled my thoughts. “I lost Thorn’s phone signal." I responded. "The only way that could happen is if she turned her phone off or it got destroyed.” Hannah sat up, catching on. “She never turns her phone off." She said, "I made her promise, becuase I knew if anything happend you could find her and get help.” I nodded, stroking Hannah’s hand to try and keep us both from falling into compleate panic. “Fuck. this isn’t good.” Hannah continued to swear to herself in german under her breath. It always scared me when she switched to german. (Hannah?) I tapped her hand in morse code, while softly calling to her attempting to regain her attention long enough to figure out what we should do. She snapped her head up and entered back into reality. I whispered to Hannah, “We can’t do this alone.” knowing she was probably starting to panic and irrationally blame herself for everything. “Let’s call in Len." I suggested, "They’ll know what to do.” I watched Hannah nodd. Hannah and Len went back pretty far and Hannah trusted Len. I texted Len while Hannah rubbed her cheek where her scar was. 

SL: LEN!!

LG: yes??

SL: We need your help! 

LG: how bad? I’m kinda busy, but I’m on the buss rn, so I have a few. 

SL: I was tracking Thorn’s phone because reasons and she’s disappeared on me haaaaaaaalp!!!!!!!!

LG: oh.. well.. umm.. that's actually what I’m taking care of right now. 

SL: really?? How the Fuck did you know?!?!

LG: One of my friends was with Thorn when shit went down. I’m headed out to look for Thorn with them now. 

SL: where is my child, Len!!!????!?!

LG: You aren't going to like this at all.

SL: I DON’T CARE MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!

LG: Dom took Thorn into the waze. 

Hannah shuddered and started to cry, clinging onto me. “No…. h-he can’t…. n-n-not Thorn…. no-o-ot there… please …...nooo”

SL: …….I’m coming.

LG: No! You don’t know your way. 

LG: And we both know Hannah isn't up to that yet. 

I looked at Hannah’s shaking form, wrapping an arm around her and basically pulling her onto my lap. Len was right. Hannah can’t go in there yet. Especially if Dom was there. She’d get too focused and forget again. I don't think I could cope if Hannah forgot again. It took forever for her to remember last time she forgot, and some things are honestly still a bit fuzzy. 

SL: You’re right, Len. 

SL: But what do we do?

LG: We’ll need to take Thorn somewhere. Preferably the hospital. 

SL: If I take Hannah to Jenn’s house I can come get you and drive you all there, safer than buss or ambulance, quieter too. 

LG: you don’t have a car.

SL: I’ll take my parents.

LG: Do you really think that’s a good idea?

SL: I don’t care. 

LG: I do. So does Thorn. You can't help if you are grounded till you come of age you know. 

SL: I guess. 

SL: I can take Hannahs family’s extra car. They said I could use it whenever. They tried to give it to me, but I wouldn't let them till I could pay for it. 

LG: be careful. <3

SL: Will do, Len. I’ll meet you ASAP. Let me know where to pick you up. 

I put away my phone and carefully closed my laptop, while Hannah remained in my hold. “Hon.” I prodded her slightly, pecking and nuzzling her, trying to get her to respond to me. She lifted her head, revealing tearstained cheeks, clearly not wanting to use her voice for anything at the moment. “I’m taking you to Jenn’s. Then I’m going to find Thorn, Len, and this mystery friend, and take care of Thorn. Len seems like They have a plan. Ok?” Hannah kept her eyes down cast as she nodded, still rubbing her scar. “Hey there. It isn't your fault. You know that? You couldn't have known. There was no way we could have prevented this.” She shook her head. I knew she wouldn't believe me, but right now we needed to get moving. Time was of the essence. I scooped all my tech into my messanger bag and helped Hannah get herself together enough to see where she was walking. My adopted child that I had taken under my wing. The child Phil had trusted me with. My baby. Thorn. I didn't know what the waze was exactly, but I knew it was a kinda tunnel system of something. Hannah would meet me from the entries when she was still running with the gang. Ever since Len got her out Hannah hasn't talked about the waze or any of the people there, except to make me promise to never look for them or go near the waze if I could help it. As we walked down the rainy street towards Jenn’s, Hannah spoke up, “You promised to never go there.” She sounded hurt that I would break that promise. “I’m not going in. Len is going to tell me where to pick them up and that's it. I’m staying out and safe. I promise.” I lent over and kissed Hannah’s cheek, avoiding her scar. She never told me exactly how she got it, but I knew she wasn’t the only one with it. Many gang members had matching ones, many had more than one. Hannah had managed to only get one on her face, but she had more on her shoulder and sides. I hadn't dared ask about them because I had seen other members with the ragged scar and Hannah had made me promise to keep clear of them. I trusted her, so I knew that if she didn't tell me about it there was a good reason. 

After dropping Hannah off at Jenn’s, I sprinted the few blocks to Hannahs parent’s to acquire the car. I drove out and found a place to wait till Len told me where to grab them… Thorn.. my daughter. She was in trouble, and all I could do was sit and wait while Len and some stranger took care of her. I sat and sulked in the car while I waited to hear anything about my daughter.


	25. Friend to The Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short update, but don't fret; there is more to come :)

I was waiting for Len to get to the waze entry, but right before the bus was scheduled to arrive, I saw the person that currently resided in the number one place on my hit list. Dom just waltzed around a corner and into my fist. “That's for making a scene on the bus.” I grabbed him by the shirt collar and hoisted him into the air, “Where is she?" I demanded, "You and I both know how well I know this place, so if you don’t take me directly to Thorn I can, and most definitely will throw you to The Dogs.” Dom’s eyes blew wide, “You wouldn't. You're too soft for that. You always were.” I chuckled, feeling my eyes change colour again, “Well now you've messed with the wrong people. Next time, keep your dick to yourself and stay the fuck away from my people.” I shoved him down and pulled my knife out, prodding him forward with the sharp tip, “Show me, or else.” He started walking the way he came. ‘Good, Kid. Now if you're lucky, I’ll only brutally maim you before I let Len take care of you for good. And they've been wanting to kill you for a long time, soooo….’ Dom lead me through the waze and towards,’Mechanic’s End’. Soon he turned the corner and I saw what he had done to Thorn. I hit him. Hard. Not only with my fist, but with my knife butt... And maybe with the tip a bit, but not enough to seriously stab him. He was knocked out nonetheless. I ran over to Thorn. She was passed out and curled up in a pile of her own blood. I couldn't believe what I saw. She had self-inflicted wounds all over her torso, along with others that were clearly from Dom. I pulled her to me, holding back sobs. She probably wouldn't even remember me, even if she were in her right mind. Now… she would probably never remember. It wasn’t like we had talked much, but I loved the conversations we did have, and I saw her with Hannah and Sharon, who were ridiculously cute together. I had seen the art and poetry Thorn had made and everything about her just made me fall more in love with her. I pulled my jumper over my head and wrapped Thorn up in it, cradling her while I silently cried. I picked her up and headed back towards the bus exit. Although I stopped short, remembering Dom. ‘The bitch. Maybe I really would just leave him. The Dogs would be coming on their rounds eventually.’ They didn't like Dom because he had made deals with their rival gang, so I knew they had it out for him anyway. ‘It would serve him right.’ I sighed, shaking my head. I texted Len, letting them know what happened and how badly hurt Thorn was. Len said they would take care of Thorn by the entry while I came back for Dom. Sharon would be coming with a car to take Thorn to the hospital. I stowed my phone and made my way to the exit of the waze.


	26. A Hangover

I woke up with a pounding headache. Cracking my eyes open, I immediately shut them to hide from the light that streamed through the window and onto my pathetic existence. I reached for where I left my bottle last night after Phil and I had gotten in our fight. I knew the liquor wouldn't help, but I sure as fucking hell wanted to try. Lifting the bottle I felt that it was empty. ‘Fuck. Now what?’ I tried calling Thorn on my phone, but she didn't pick up. She always knew what to do and probably knew how to fix a hangover somehow. Instead I just rolled off of the couch and crawled my way to the kitchen, feeling the walls to help guide me. ‘Fat chance I’m opening my eyes yet. Fuck, my head hurts.’ I finally made it to the cool floor of the kitchen, leaning against the fridge. ‘Maybe I’ll just rest here? It’s cold and quiet.’ I just stayed collapsed against the fridge till I could open my eyes again. As soon as I was able to see, I started on my hangover101 routine, eventually just leaning against the kitchen door frame with a mug of coffee and gagging down some crap Phil had said was supposed to help with headaches. ‘Shit, I still need to talk to Phil. I know I probably said stuff I didn't want to while I was drunk. Shit. What happened last night?’ I tried to remember what happened and what was said. My train of thought was interrupted by hearing something clink against the ground behind me, the annoying sound not helping my headache. I turned to see what it was, “Pft, just a penny.” Stooping down I picked up the stupid thing and placed it in my pocket. Finishing my coffee, I headed back up the stairs to shower off the stench of last night’s drinks, and possibly vomit, although I wasn’t sure yet. Once I reemerged I felt quite a bit better, possibly well enough to try and figure out what happened last night. Trudging up the stairs and peeping in Phil’s room, I was surprised to not find him there. ‘Phil always goes there when he’s upset and…. oh… he goes there so I’ll hold him and calm him down.. shit.’ I continued looking around for Phil until finally finding him in the video game room, curled up in his blanket on the couch. I slowly padded over and crouched down next to him, “Phil” I whispered, bracing for him to yell at me or something. I honestly probably deserved it from whatever happened. “Phil, it’s time to wake up.” Still no response. “Phil, please? Let me help you. I’m sorry for whatever happened last night. I honestly can’t remember right now, but I wish whatever it was didn't happen. I don't like seeing you like this and I want to help. I love you, Phil.” Everything just came gushing out and falling on Phil’s sleeping shoulders. His body shifted and turned away from me, his shoulders starting to shake as he obviously started to cry. “People say exactly what they are thinking… when they're… they're drunk” he said, ”….. I don’t care what you say now, Daniel… it’s too late to.. to fix it.” I hung my head, wishing I could remember what happened so I could make amends. “Phil, I can’t remember what happened last night, but I can guarantee that whatever happened, I never ever meant to hurt you. I love you to the moon and back and want nothing but for you to be happy. Please, Phil. Let me help. What do I need to do?” I didn't want to see Phil like this. It broke my heart to see him torn up so. When he didn't reply I ran back down the stairs and made Phil some tea and grabbed the biscuit tin from the cabinet. I scampered back up the stairs with my feel-better-please101 starter kit along with Phil’s favourite plush and presented the bundle to him, hoping that that would help. He finally turned and accepted the tea and biscuits. “Thorn” he croaked out her name. “I had tried to call her earlier,” I told him, “But she didn't pick- oh. That's why she didn't pick up” I remembered, “She doesn't talk. Shit.” Phil tried to sit up, “Thorn, where is she??” His voice started to have frantic undertones in it. I had to find her for him, “I’ll go find her, don’t worry. She’ll be ok, I promise. I’ll go get her, but you stay here. Got it?” Phil nodded, albeit sadly. ‘Why would Phil be so worried about her? I’m sure she's fine.’ I tore myself from my spot next to the couch and went to Thorn’s room. She wasn’t in her room, and I didn't hear her in the shower. “Thorn!” I called out, hoping she would respond somehow. Nothing. ‘Well, no real surprise there. She’s still terrified of me. I wouldn't want to respond either.’ I tapped back up the stairs and into Phil’s lurkum. “She isn’t in her room, can I use your phone to ask her where she is?” Phil nodded, looking for his phone. “I don’t know where my phone is. Do you?” I shook my head. “I’ll look for it. Don't worry Phil, I’m sure Thorn is here somewhere, just waiting for you to wake up.” I smiled at Phil and pulled my phone out to call Phil’s phone, praying he had his ringer on. After looking around the house for half an hour I finally found Phil’s phone hiding near the fireplace, plugged in so he wouldn't lose it. I ran back upstairs with Phil’s phone and more comfort food. “I found your phone, Phil!” I called up ahead of me. I just handed Phil his phone, seeing as he was awake enough at this point to text Thorn himself. “Her phone is turned off.” Phil looked like he was going to cry again, either that or go into shock. “Sh-she promised Hannah she would n-n-never tu-u-urn her phone o-off… in case so-o-mething h-h-happened.” I could see why this was getting worse and worse. Thorn would never break a promise, especially to someone she considered family, such as Hannah or Sharon. Without thinking twice I ran down the stairs and grabbed my jacket, along with Phil’s stupid Pokémon jacket, because I knew Thorn loved it. “I’m going out to look for her!” I yelled behind me to Phil, “Stay here and stay warm, Phil! I’ll keep you posted and you'll be the first to know anything! Just stay here!!” I ran out the door and down the stairs into the now sunny, although still chilly, London streets. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Len texted me: 

LG: Sharon, come to the bus entry. 

LG: It’s bad. You'll need room for Thorn, me, a friend, and Dom.

LG: yes you can kick him, but he’s unconscious so it won’t do any good. 

SL: Can I kic- Oh I’m still going to really mess him up. He’s messed with the wrong bean. 

LG: please just hurry, Sharon. 

SL: I’ll be there ASAP.


	27. Finally Rescued

I pulled up to the waze entry just a few minutes later. I nearly vomited seeing Thorn so beat up, wearing someone else's clothes, and clearly freezing. (“Thorn! No.. No. it can’t be.”) I started to feel tears flow down my face as I reverted to latin. Len set Thorn in the back seat while the new stranger threw Dom in the hatch. (“I hope he hit his head on the spare.”) I mumbled. Len came and sat in the passenger side and hugged me, swiping my tears away quickly. I turned and saw the new kid holding Thorn and crying quietly. Questions later, whoever they were, they clearly weren't going to hurt Thorn between here and the hospital. Besides, if Len trusted them, they couldn't be so bad. (“Sharon, can you drive there safely?”) Len asked, (“If not, I can. Please don’t push yourself too much.”) I shook my head, (“I’ll drive. That’s my daughter there.”) Len nodded as I drove to the hospital, remembering what my mom had told me when she had driven an ambulance. Finally having a reason to know what roads were busy and when. She had taught me well to pick up the fastest ways around anywhere and everywhere. I got us to A&E in less than fifteen minutes. I watched as Len and the stranger took in Thorn and Dom. I had to find a place to park before I could follow. Quickly stowing my car in the parking garage, I ran to the waiting room and found the stranger talking to the police. ‘They must be giving their statement about what happened. I’ll need to do that eventually too. May as well get it over with. I won't be allowed to see Thorn yet anyway.’ I slowly walked over and listened as the stranger as they finished their statement, the only thing I heard was how I drove them here. “Who drove you?” Asked the officer, “She did. I don’t know her name. Len called her” They responded, pointing at me. “Ah. Thank you.” The officer turned to me. “We need to find out how you are involved and get a statement. Shall we?” He gestured to a chair. (“V-vita.”) I stuttered, forgetting I was still speaking latin. “Excuse me?” The poor officer looked immensely confused. “Sorry.” I responded. “I switched to latin for a bit.” I explained. “Alright, Miss.” he responded “But english would be easier from here on out if you could.” I nodded. He didn't seem upset, almost amused in a way. He was nice anyways. We sat and talked for a while. Him asking the necessary questions and me answering the best I could, only reverting to latin once in awhile. Soon we both wound up with coffee and were finishing up. “Now, do you know how we can reach Thorn’s parents or guardians?” Officer McCullum asked, “The other witness didn't know.” I nodded, “I’m friends with Thorn’s adoptive father. I can call him for you if you like.” McCullum nodded, “That would be a great help, thank you Miss. now what is her father’s name?” I internally groaned. I knew how Phil felt about the possibility of the news getting out. But this was an emergency and we were relatively isolated, “Philip Lester.” I said. McCullum looked surprised. “I didn't know Phil had a child!” Oh no. “You know of Phil then?” He nodded, “My daughter always goes on about him and I’ve seen some of his work. Why hasn't he said anything about her?” I sighed. “Phil had been working to make sure Thorn stays a secret because of the possibility of cyber bullying. She’s been through a lot and that wouldn't be fair on her. So please don’t say anything to your daughter or anyone. It would be so hard on Phil and Thorn.” McCullum straightened, “Of course. I understand. I don’t typically talk about my daughter on the job or to my coworkers because of the possibility of something happening to her. I understand completely.” I was so thankful he understood. “Thank you. Thank you so much!” I was ready to hug the guy, “Should I call Phil then? I’m sure he’s probably wondering where Thorn is.” ‘Dan too. He really does care about her.’ McCullum nodded and I called Phil. 

My phone lit up as Sharon called me. I could use a friend now. 

“Hey, what's up, Sharon.”

“Phil, I have bad news. Are you somewhere safe? Preferably sitting down?”

“Yeah. What's going on?” I could only assume the worst. 

“I’m in the A&E waiting room. I’m ok, but Thorn isn’t doing so hot. I’m here with a very nice police officer, his name is officer McCullum, and he wants to talk to you a bit. Ok?”

My heart dropped to the floor and shattered into a million pieces.

“O-o-ok. I’m coming. I’ll be there soon.” I’d need to tell Dan so I wasn't going alone. I couldn't handle that. 

“Do you want a ride? I can pick you up. Dan too if you want.”

I nodded, forgetting Sharon couldn't see me. “Y-yeah. That would be nice. Dan went out to look for Thorn a while ago. I’ll tell him to come back so we can go.” 

“Alright, Hon. Please stay safe. If you need me call me and we’ll talk. I'm on my way, Ok?”

“Ok. I’ll see you soon.”

“Stay safe.” 

“Ok”  
I hung up and completely broke down into tears. Calling Dan and putting him on speaker, unable to hold my phone. 

“Dan, Come home. Sharon found her. She’s giving us a ride to A&E to see Thorn. Come home fast please.”

“I’m on my way, Philly. Don't worry, Thorn is in good hands and we’ll be there in no time. Hold on for me ok?”


	28. In Hospital

Dan talked to me over the phone until he got home and we were in Sharon’s car on the way to the hospital. When we got there Thorn was in a room. When I walked in I almost lost it again. She looked horrible. Her face was pale. There were IVs and machines all over. Thorn’s body was almost completely wrapped in bandages, blood showing through in some places. I clung to Dan, crying again. Sharon came over and joined our now group hug. Two other people came and joined our hug. I didn't know who they were, but I was grateful for the support. I pulled away and walked to Thorn’s bedside, feeling her stone cold hand.   
“Sharon?”   
“Yes, Phil?” She responded.   
“When… when will she wake up?” I forced the words out. Afraid of the answer. I heard Sharon sigh. I could tell she was trying to choose her words extremely carefully.   
“She’s been hiding a lot. Not just from you. From all of us. Hannah and I are hoping to catch you up on everything. I’m going to wait till she gets here to start that shitstorm of an explanation. But…”   
She looked to Thorn as a tear slid down her cheek. I wrapped my arm around her, “It might be a really long time. We don’t know. She was really weak when she was found. She must've been starving for a long time.” I felt Sharon shudder under my arm, “She… She's been hurting herself again too… she didn't tell anyone...but from the looks of it things were getting better, and then something happened, probably around last night or the night before, and…. well..”   
“It’s ok, Sharon. It’s ok. You don’t need to say more. I understand.” I pulled her into a hug as I reassured her that everything would be alright. “Is Hannah coming for you?” Sharon nodded, folding into me. She was so short, shorter than Thorn. Although Thorn couldn't really be considered short, she was actually pretty tall for her age, but since she lived with two giants, she always seemed short. “You’ll feel better once Hannah gets here. I know it. Thorn would like it too, she adores both of you.”  
Sharon sniffled, “She calls me, ‘Mum’ and Hannah, ‘Mom’. We’ve become a small family. We are supposed to protect each other.” I held Sharon by the shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “There was nothing else you could have done. You did splendidly in your position. Absolutely none of this is your fault.” I pulled her in another hug, running my fingers through her hair. “I couldn't ask for anyone better than the two of you to be there for Thorn.” 

After about two hours, everyone had arrived, eaten, and were settled in Thorn’s room to wait for her to wake up. Everyone except Dan. Dan waited in the hallway, even though I asked him to sit within the room, he refused. I would sit in Thorn’s room for a while, then move to sit with Dan for a bit. Repeating the process till everyone but myself was told to leave. I was only allowed to stay because I was her legal guardian. I spent the night in that wretched room. I facetimed Dan till he fell asleep, which didn't take long. Then I called Sharon, who, of course, had Hannah with her. They explained what they knew, but since they were looking from the overhead, tech point of view for most of it, they didn't know everything. I could tell something about what happened made Hannah especially uneasy, because she kept absent mindedly rubbing the scar on her cheek and occasionally mumbling to herself in german. Neither of them were sleeping that night, but I could tell they were exhausted and worried sick. What with Hannah switching to german and Sharon forgetting that she was the only one out of the three of us who understood latin, things soon just turned to us sitting silently, waiting for Thorn to wake up.


	29. Surge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I is back! Here is more story. ^u^

I felt my heart start to break when I was told I needed to leave Thorn for the night. I knew there wasn’t any real reason for me to stay. No one but Len knew who I was and Phil didn't understand how anyone but Hannah and Sharon knew Thorn. As far as he knew I was just another bus passenger who happened to speak up and try to help. He knew even less about Len. So the two of us were relatively stranded. Our only way to find out Thorn’s progress throughout the night was to wait for Sharon or Hannah to get any information from Phil and pass it on. I spent the night at Len’s place so I wouldn't be alone. 

“Hon.” Len tried to get my attention, “You need to eat. You haven't eaten since before you went out, you haven't showered either. You need to take care for yourself too you know.” Bless Len, but sometimes they could really be a parent when I needed a friend. “I’m not hungry. I’ll shower later. I’m fine.” I knew Len could see right through everything I said, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be with Thorn again. I felt Len sit on the couch next to where I lay. “I know you want to be with Thorn right now, Hon. we’ll go see her as soon as we can. But the hospital won’t let you in if you're all grubby and smelly.” I knew they were right. Damn it. “I don’t think Thorn would want you to be idle like this either. From what you've told me about her, she’s a relatively active and creative girl. She wouldn't want you to keep everything in like this. She’d want you to take care of yourself and find a good way to let things out.” Len tried to convince me to take care of myself while rubbing my arm and back. I knew they were right. “Ok.” I consented and stood to go shower. I should take off my binder anyways. I’d been wearing it all day and I knew I should only wear it for eight hours max. As I trudged back up the stairs I felt my phone buzz, my mother’s special tone coming from my pocket. I sighed, pulling out my phone and answering.   
“Hi, Mom.”  
“Hello Alex, Dear! What’s wrong? You sound exhausted. Have you been getting enough rest? Are you sick? Do you want me to come and take care of you?”  
I cringed hearing my birth name. I knew it was gender neutral, but I still didn't like it because it just didn't feel like me. There wasn’t anything behind it.   
“I’m fine, Mom. It’s just been a long day is all. I’m having a sleepover at a friends house. And you can’t come all the way to London from America.”  
“Are you at a boy’s house?!”   
How far could I roll my eyes? I don’t know how far, but it was impressive enough for Len to shout from the living room that I shouldn't roll my eyes at my mother.   
“No, Mom. I told you I don’t like boys like that. I just don’t like people in general. So I’m fine.” Only partially a lie. I liked Thorn. I liked Thorn a lot.   
“Ok, Honey. Have fun ok? Take care of yourself! Call me once you get the chance ok?”  
“Ok, Mom. Have a nice evening. Bye, Mom.”  
“Bye, deary!! Eat your soup!”  
“I’m not sick!”  
“I know I know.”  
“Bye, Mom.”  
I hung up as I started to undress, peeling off my binder. As I took off my jeans I felt something fall out of one of the numerous pockets, ‘ah… the joys and freedoms of being able to purchase men’s clothing. Real pockets. And a lot of them..’ I stooped down to see what I had dropped. It was Thorn's phone. I had picked it up from a pile of trash on my way out of the waze with Dom. ‘I must have forgotten to give it to someone. I’ll bring it with me in the morning.’ I carefully put both her and my own phone into a small basket on the counter and plugged them into power. Before I got into the shower I started some music on my phone, not really caring what played, just something to fill the silence. I thought about the events of the day. I hadn't seen Thorn since Dom drove me away from the coffee shop. Even then, Thorn and I had only spoken a few times. We talked about gender identities, coffee, cats... Honestly though, I always felt easy around Thorn and talking to her was always effortless. I remember talking about how some people chose their names. I had chosen mine from a favourite animal, but had also changed it since that first name. I was never really sure what I would use as my name until about a year ago. I started going by Surge, because I am a relatively intense person and my emotions are never really gentle. If I’m upset, then I’m really upset, the same thing happens with happiness, sadness, anxiousness, affection, lust, ect. Ect. Ect. So I figured this name was suitable. 

Stepping out of the shower, I quickly dawned fresh clothes from the room Len kept for me, reemerging towards the living room and planting myself back on the couch, ‘Just like the lowsy potato I am.’ I heard Len come out of the kitchen and set a bowl of soup on the coffee table next to me. They say down next to me, rubbing my shoulder, “Please try to get some rest. You need it. I already called Sharon and Hannah. The two of them have been on skype with Phil all night and don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. We’ll know as soon as anything happens.” They tried to comfort me, but my eyes didn't change, so I knew they knew nothing was helping. Rising from their spot, they went around the house grabbing this and that from where they were neatly put away. Upon their return, Len was carrying a wicker basket full of stuff from around the house. First, they pulled out my blue sketchbook and many art bags, “If you wind up needing anything else let me know and I’ll get it for you. I figured you might want to make something for Thorn once she wakes up.” I nodded and accepted a small bag and blue book, letting the rest remain in the basket. Next Len pulled out the remote for the projector that hung from the living room ceiling, clicking it on and setting up a movie. “I know this one is your favourite.” The Princess Bride opening scene appeared on the wall, the speakers spanning three fourths of the ceiling trim allowing the entire room to be filled with the script the Len and I knew by heart, ”You’re grandfather is here…..” I slightly chuckled, ‘Iconic and classic.’ Next from the basket, Len provided my phone, laptop, drawing tablet, ipod, ipad, and styli for my optimal arting and internet usage. They knew me too well. Before withdrawing to the kitchen, they draped a thick, fuzzy blanket around my shoulders, allowing me to snuggle into it before I began my movie watching. “There you go, Hon. I’ll go make you some snacks, and we can just spent the night watching movies and relaxing. Ok?” I nodded, feeling my eyes go from purple, to a soft, electric blue. Still not a normal human colour, definitely way to vibrant for normality's sake, but better than the evil red of earlier, or the purple from just a few moments before. I herd Len popping popcorn and taking their pre-made chocolate chip cookies out of the freezer to thaw. Soon they returned with a monsoon of comfort food, which actually took them more than one trip to bring into the living room. Within a few minutes, the two of us were sitting on the couch, eating junk food, and facetiming on Hannah’s phone so everyone could see the movie and keep updated on Thorn’s progress throughout the night. And honestly? I didn't give a crap if Phil didn't know how I was involved, because now I had my friends and food. And everything might wind up being ok for once.


	30. My fault?

I stayed on skype with Sharon while Hannah facetimed her friends; we all watched The Princess Bride and then The Princess of Thieves while we waited for Thorn to wake up. In the morning Sharon came to see Thorn as soon as she could. Hannah had apparently stayed home since she had finally passed out for the first time in two or three days. Sharon had brought me tea and we sat and talked. 

“I’m a terrible excuse for a father.” I sighed while cradling my head in my hands, “I should have done better. I should have told her to stay. It’s all my fault.”

Sharon shook her head beside me, “No. it isn’t your fault. It’s mine. Thorn texted me. I let her get in trouble. I should have given her a ride instead. She was alone because of me. It isn’t anyone’s fault except my own.” 

How could she believe that?? I’m Thorn’s caregiver. I was supposed to keep Thorn safe. Sharayray shouldn't have had any of that on her shoulders. 

“Sharayray, you know that isn’t true. Look at me.” I looked her in the eyes as I continued. “I am Thorn’s legal guardian and caregiver. You aren’t. You are not responsible for anything that happened. I told you last night. I couldn't ask for a better group of friends for Thorn than you and hannah and the others. I don’t even know everyone, but I do know that if it wasn’t for the four of you, she probably wouldn't be alive. She would probably still be in a random alley, without anyone there to help her.” I shuddered at the very thought. Starting to tear up again.

“Neither of us are going to let up on blaming ourselves, are we?” Sharon started to sniffle. I shook my head, knowing she was right again. “But I’m sure” I replied, “That Thorn and I will remind you and all the others that it isn’t your fault for a very long time to come.” We were both becoming crying messes at a swift rate. Sniffling, trying to regain our composure as a nurse came and went, checking Thorn’s vitals, replacing her IV, and adding a gross-looking formula to her feeding tube. I took Sharon to the Subway across the road for food before we decided to go grocery shopping. Anything for a distraction. Doctors typically came during the lunch hour to poke and talk about Thorn’s condition. I didn't think I could stand hearing her being talked about like a statistic again. So Sharon drove me to the flat to pick up Dan so that the three of us could go to the shop. We just kinda walked around for a while. Sharon and I breathing in the non-hospital air while Dan puttered around the store, settling down a bit once he found the book and movie section. We spent a few hours at the shop before Sharon took us to the coffee shop that she and Thorn usually hung out at. “Maybe if I was here,” Said Sharon, “Instead of Starbucks, none of this would have happened…” She looked to the ground, defeat clearly written across her eyes. She slowly walked away from me and across to the counter and ordered a drink. Scotch to be exact. Sharon never drank. I left Dan to listen to the musician and wandered over to Sharon, resting a hand on her shoulder. ‘I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’ve said everything I can.’ So instead of talking I sat with her. Sharon didn’t so much drink her drink, instead she just pushed it between her hands and occasionally licking anything that washed over the edges of her glass and onto her hands. ‘Meh… must be something she picked up from being on tour. America sure does have some strange ideas floating around.’ I just stayed there with her. I ordered some tea and waited for Sharayray to get back to herself somewhat before collecting Dan and the three of us returned to the hospital. Hannah greeted us as we walked in, hugging Sharayray and holding her while the two of them sat together. Hannah had brought some food and reading material for everyone, so we sat. And waited. And waited


End file.
